today

I clerked a patient at the ward today.  We had quite a meaningful conversation (at least for me). It all started when I asked him "Did you take any medications at home?" "Can you ask someone to bring the medications  to the hospital?"

And he said "Saya takde rumah," 

I was momentarily startled. And began to ask more: 

The subject of this conversation:
Male, age 40-50 plus, Indian Muslim. 

He said he reverted to Islam when he was young, because he fell in love with a Muslim girl.  The girl left him for another guy, and his mom got angry with him for converting  to Islam (and because that girl had left him). 

He stayed being a Muslim, but when he got married to a Indian Hindu woman, he couldn't  register his marriage legally (and islamically/syarak-wise of course) because they are of different  religions.  Anyway, they have children together. 

He said that his wife and children left him when he got sick and could no longer work. 

"Dulu waktu saya kerja bawak duit balik rumah semua orang suka sama saya,"

"Sekarang ini saya dah tak boleh kerja, tak ada duit semua orang tak suka saya, isteri tak mahu jaga saya,"

"Saya bagitau isteri, bapak you sakit you boleh jaga tapi suami sakit tak boleh jaga ke?"

"Anak saya marah saya. Dia cakap kenapa cakap dengan mak macam tu?"

"Anak saya pun bawak isteri saya duduk KL. Rumah sini dah jual,"

And I asked him "Encik tinggal dengan siapa sekarang?" 

"Saya tinggal tepi jalan la,"

Upon hearing this, I didn't  know what  to say apart from; 

"Sabar ye encik. Dugaan ni tuhan yang bagi. Dia nak uji encik,"

He nodded and replied "Saya tahu. Satu je saya doa sekarang,"

Pointing his finger up towards the ceiling, he said "Biarlah dia amik saya cepat-cepat,"

Seriously I was so sad. Tears began to form in my eyes. 

"Encik sembahyang tak sekarang?"

"Saya sudah lupa,"

"Nanti encik keluar hospital, encik pergi masjid, belajar sembahyang semua. Nanti kalau encik nak jumpa Allah, kena jumpa dalam keadaan yang baik semua,"

He nodded again and said "Ya, saya nak belajar balik sembahyang,"

"Encik tahu mengucap lagi tak?"

And he said yes.

"Baguslah encik tahu mengucap lagi. Kalau sekarang ni encik  tak tahu sembahyang, encik zikir banyak-banyak. Allah akan dengar,"

"Dunia ni sementara saja encik. Akhirat tu yang kekal. Biarlah semua orang benci kita asalkan Allah sayang kita,"

I left him before I could stop myself from shedding tears in front of him. I don't know  why am I being so sensitive nowadays. 

Sayangnya Allah kat hamba dia sampai bagi dugaan berat macam, ni sekali. 

Allah is reserving something for you in Jannah, encik. Insya Allah. 

Because every Muslim had been promised Jannah. Isn't  this good news enough for us to carry on with our daily lives, no matter how hard life is? 

The next day

I really miss my old life at UIA. It's not good to dwell too much in the past but somehow, I couldn't help it. This difficult phase (The Great Depression) that I'm going through right now will be over somehow, and I'm anticipating for a happy and glorious future, insya Allah. Allah had said that in Surah al-Insyirah verses 5-6 "verily, with difficulties,  come ease, so verily, with difficulties come ease". The same ayat had been repeated because Allah wants to assure us that "......Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!" (Al-Baqarah verse 214)

As for now, I have to be strong. It is during this period that I realized that being strong is the only option in life. I might be shaken with fear, remorse, sadness and that my soul might collapse anytime. But I keep on asking for help from Allah to make me strong every single day and Alhamdulilah, I'm feeling better than I was a week ago. 

Oh yes, UIA. One of the things that I miss about UIA is the usrah/study circle. It's a weekly 'supplement for the souls' section. I love it when we would break fast together at the mosque and performed congregational prayers soon after, and ended our session with the discussion about life, Islam, etc. 

I miss walking to the mosque from my Mahallah. I miss those times where I would just go to the mosque alone and spent time there from Maghrib to Isyak praying, reading the al-Quran and just cried my heart out towards Him. It was just so peaceful. It was only me and Allah, in a beautiful place (the mosque is beautiful and comfortable). Imagine how is it like to be able to pray in front of the Kaabah, in the Holy Land of His beloved Prophet Muhammad s.a.w? I will go there one day, insya Allah. 

I am glad that Allah had given me great supportive family and friends during this difficult period. A friend of mine said that 'Sarah, this is the time that Allah wants to test you. He will never leave you alone,"

I then asked her fearfully 'Do you think I have failed this test?"

And she said 'No,". 

Which got me thinking,  Allah is so Great. He gave us test, and at the same time He gave us courage and strength to overcome this test until we had finally passed this test. 

And another quote stating 'the Teacher is always quiet during the test'. 

It's just so hard for me. This is just dunya okay. It is a transient phase, temporary. This world is not meant to be perfect. Yasmin Mogahed had said that 'this world is designed to break our hearts'. and that every trial serves a purpose of bringing us closer to Allah. I pray that I will always be close to Allah. Ameen. 

Sometimes I would dream about how the life at Heaven would be like. I could do whatever I want, and have anything my heart desires. I could have my own ocean, where I could swim in, walk inside without any need for oxygen, my hair brushed against the sea breeze as I walk along the beach (it had been a loong time since I experienced this-since wearing tudung)  could go to any beautiful place I want to, I have my family members and friend with me, no one to scold me or hurt me, not a single worry in my heart, only eternal happiness and laughter.Well....Jannah is so beautiful. Perhaps Allah is reserving something for me in the heaven when I'm struggling with this moment of difficulties. Insya Allah. 

For now, please give me strength to finish and complete this Test ya Allah. Ameen Ya Rabbal Alamin. 

Please pray for me. 

the present

"I'm surprised that you could not handle the stress. You look like someone who is 'strong' when I first met you,"

Yes. I used to be strong, confident, bold, brave. 

And now I'm not. The old me had left me. 

I wonder when will she return.