revelation

Found this on facebook: 

And I realize that I miss the short 2 days-1 night family retreat at Cameron Highlands just last weekend. The last time I had been there was in 2001, which is about 14 years ago! Whoa. So much had changed over there. It wasn't as cold as I remembered it to be. I am feeling a bit sad looking at those rapid (and somehow illegal somewhere) developments that took place there. :(
But nevertheless, I was spending a quality time with my family! And I felt happy. :) 

But during those short 2 days there, my mind was preoccupied with works. Unfinished works, to be precise. I hate the fact that the thought of work had been occupying my mind almost the whole time there.

I wish I had just left all thoughts about works aside and just enjoy the holiday.

As I returned working from this supposedly rejuvenating retreat, I had been greeted with a rather unpleasant encounter with that person I had been talking about before. Oh whatever.

And to think that I do not have any choice but to be in the same room with that person everyday, makes me feel all uncomfortable, my stomach tying up in knots and I feel very ill indeed.

Oh whatever.

Of course I keep on praying to Allah to help me to get through this. Never was there a day that I didn't ask for Him to ease the path for me.

And just now, right after I had finished the Asar prayer, and when I held up my hands to pray, my mouth automatically recited these words "Please ease the path for me to learn the things that you intend me to learn,"

At that time, I know that Allah had reserved a great deal of lessons for me throughout these moments of difficulties.

PRP is not just about 'passing PRP and proceeding to FRP', it's kind of a 'self-improvement and development rehab', for me to come out as a brand new, better person!

And I began thinking, guessing, pondering upon those 'lessons' that He had intended me to learn.

And I wrote these on my instagram:

And just like that, I felt like the glass case that had long enclosed me had been automatically shattered. The spell had been broken. Or at least I think so.

I feel much better. I know that He loves me, He is constantly watching me. He is constantly taking care of me. During this moment of difficulties, He had helped me SOOO much! He had guided me, He had comforted me. He had instilled peace into my heart. And I love Him so much!

I was in a state of stress, depression, anxiety (you name it) for the past few weeks/and months. But I think my faith in Him had a lot to do with me moving on with my life no matter how hard it is.
There is always a good reason of why seemingly bad things kept on happening to me. There must be. Thinking of this gives me hope. I realize that confiding to my family members and friends couldn't really change anything. And so I keep on confiding in Allah. Because I know He has the power over everything.

I had just finished reading Jay Asher's 'Thirteen Reasons Why' and I had rated it 5 stars. Here is my short review about it on Goodreads.

So, yeah. No need to explain more.

For now, I will try to develop a more positive attitude instead of forever wallowing in self-deprecation and self-pity insya Allah.

Allah wants me to become a better person. He wants me to be strong so that I could serve my purpose in life. The purpose that made Him created me in the first place. He had given me all these tests as a method to mould and groom me to what I am supposed to become in the future. This might sound kind of exaggerated but somehow, I know that this is true.

I must be strong so that I could lend my strength to others. To inspire others in life.

For now, I must pray. I must be patient. I must have faith in Him. I must be strong. I must pray for Him to make me strong.

And I must remember this: Allah loves me, very very much. :) 

Of Books Bought and Loved

I mostly spent my monthly salary on

1. My parents. I give them 'allowances' every month, hahaha. It isn't much but hey, it's the thought that counts. :) 

2. Car instalment. It's good that I am using a 'National Car', instead of those imported ones whereby I have to fork out more than RM500 a month to pay. I love my car. xD

3. Phone bills. 

4. Petrol. ZzzzZzzz

5. Toll rates/ Touch and Go. 

Those are the 'wajib' stuffs. 

As for what is left for me to spend on myself, I had chosen to spend them on 

1. Books

2. Foods

When I was a school kid/teenager, I would spend my duit raya on books. I would ask my parents to buy me books for my birthdays and when I received good marks for my examinations. 

I love books so much. My mother is aware of this fact, that she once threatened not to renew my 'public library card' if I got 'demoted' to the second class at school at the end of the school year. This happened when I was 10. I was so scared. Hahahaha. 

But truth be told, books are expensive. They are considered as luxuries to my family. A good English book costs RM30+. I remember saving up the remainder of my daily school money of RM1.50 to buy a single paperback at the end of the month. My parents sometimes think that buying books (fictions, especially) is a waste of money. But they never skimped on my education though. To ensure that I got the best education (and good examination results, LOL), they had paid for many tuition classes, even hiring a private tutor for the subject I am most weak at (It's Prinsip Akaun! xD) 

So, during those 'jobless' days, I love to go to the bookstores and I just love looking at the books, looking at the prices, dreaming that one day, I could finally afford to buy them. And you know the MPH book catalogues that they usually give out during festive seasons like Hari Raya and Christmas? I love looking at those catalogues, ticking the books that I would love to buy, taking out my scientific calculator, calculating the total prices and just groaned in despair. Those were the days. :) 

But my mother was aware of my love towards the 'Harry Potter' series. In fact, she was the one who pre-ordered and paid for the Harry Potter Book 5,6 and 7. She was the one who accidentally fell down the stairs and hurt her knee in Singapore upon entering the bookstore there, just to search for the latest Harry Potter book. I didn't know that back then, that 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' had not been released yet. Hahaha. I was twelve okay. Twelve. 

As she came into my room, looking at the condition of my bookcase, so overloaded with books, it was her who bought a brand new, bigger bookcase to house those books. 

Just want to state the fact that my parents are not exactly Mr and Mrs Wormwood from 'Matilda'. Hahaha. 

So back then, because of the lack of 'funds' to buy new books, I would just read and reread my old books. And I would usually borrow books from the school library. I miss those days. 

Things started to changed though, when I began my foundation studies. As JPA scholars, we were each given RM1200 (or was it RM1500?) allowances every semester (4 months)! The amount might not seem a lot these days, but to me back then, it was the first time I had a lot of money of my own. I even had my first ATM card! 

The amount we received for our JPA allowances tripled as we started our degree, hehe. 

And naturally, I would spend them on books. I love the euphoric feeling of spending A LOT on books. 

Now, I had earned much more than what I had once received every semester during my foundation studies back then. This means more responsibilities to be undertaken. More bills to be paid but also, more books to be bought too!

The sad thing that is happening now is that I could afford to buy as many books as I want but I don't seem to have the time to read them all. :(

Anyway, this small 'obstacle' doesn't manage to stop me from buying more books, because books give me happiness! 

I remember coming back home from a really bad day at school. I looked at my the rows of books neatly lined along my bookshelf and thought "I have these many of books. I don't have any reason to be sad," and I got all cheered up again. 

Reading books make me a better person, I guess. I tend to be more empathetic, more imaginative, less judgemental. I know that I think differently from my friends and that sometimes they don't accept my ideas/notions. But I also know that it is okay to have different views on things. 

If only everyone would read books/fictions, then the world will be a better place to live in. 

I love my books. I had never sold any one of them, nor had any intention to do so because I know that those books are a part of my life. We had been together through thick and thins, in all those different phases of my life. and they had moulded me into becoming who I am today. 

One day, if my dream of becoming a book author really does come true, I hope that my books could give a sliver of hope to those who need it, that the characters in my stories could give courage and inspiration to the readers, and well, I hope that I could make good differences (even if it's just a slight difference, it doesn't matter) to the world and its people. 

Just like how the books I read had changed my life. Insya Allah.