Quarter-Life Crisis

Late Twenties 

We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one

           Charles Dickens, Great Expectations. 

Taken from David Nicholls' 'One Day' aka a rather inspiring yet depressing book at the same time. T__T

I had just turned 25 four days ago. Yippee! No? 

And this newly-turned 25 lady (ahem) is fretting over what will happen tomorrow. 

No, it's not exactly fretting. More like worried, or is it the same thing?

I'm just going to say that the 25 years old Sarah is a much better person as compared to the 24 years old Sarah.

Let me remind myself of those times by which I was putting too much care about people's perceptions of me, since high school, foundation years, degree years and the first half of my PRP year. The Sarah back then was too scared of failing, too scared of making mistakes and getting reprimanded for those unintentional mistakes that she lead her life living so cautiously that she might as well not have lived at all, by which she failed by default. (does this quote ring a bell somewhere? hehe) 

I kind of smiled upon remembering the Sarah back then. So scared of failing a quiz. So embarrassed when her quizzes marks were posted outside the class, together with her name next to it. So bothered by what people thought or might not think about her. So eager to please everyone. 

And then, she embarked onto a thorn-ridden PRP life. She got scolded a lot. She got scolded again. She got shouted at, she failed an exam twice which led to her getting extended for 2 weeks, she cried, she stood up, she fell down again, she stood up, she got stronger. 

She had once regarded herself as the source of the problems that had happened to her. She was too slow, too incompetent, her brain is not made to memorize drug doses and regimens. All these made her felt worthless, useless, timid. 

Until later, she finally came to a realization that in certain circumstances, she could not change what people will think or had thought of her. If they decided to dislike her, then so be it. She will keep on improving and to prove that she is not what they had once thought she is, but rather than to prove it to others, she did it to prove to herself. 

A few days ago, I had browsed through my old logbooks from my previous rotations to fill in my SKT form. I could see the marks and comments my preceptors from each rotation had given and written in there.

I scored mainly average marks. The passing marks is 60%. The lowest I got is 66.8%, LOL and the highest I received is 86%. Okay, don't care. I only care about passing all rotations and getting out of this hospital after I finished my PRP. 

From one particular preceptor, there were these comments written:

- Could not complete tasks within the assigned period.

- Always careless in daily works

- Could not countercheck in 3rd week

- Failed to detect basic polypharmacy. 

I read these comments and I smiled. I actually laughed a little. As expected of her. So what? 

The old me would have probably cried in the toilet and let these harmless comments bothered the rest of her day and maybe the rest of the week. 

That's when I realized I had changed. I had learned not to be scared of people. (well, still working on this one). Slowly learning, yes, that's the word. Slowly. I had learned not to care about what people think of me. 

I know that I had improved considerably over the course of 9 months becoming a PRP. On my first day, I did't even know what the heck is Piriton (the brand name). Now, with Allah's grace, I am able to detect several polypharmacies and mistakes in prescriptions. I could also recite the common drug doses and frequency (regimen) without any hesitation when asked. Alhamdulillah. 

Wow, this post seems so inspiring that I actually forgot the purpose of me actually writing here (the title). 

Oh yes, quarter life-crisis. It's not really a crisis. I had started my PRP year consecutively being in 5 difficult rotations (OPD< IPD, Clinical, TDM, TPN), and then, 'vacation' started as I continued with the other 4 rather 'relaxing' rotations (Store, Manufacturing, DIS, CDR). 

And now, tadaaa... break's over, man! 

Second rotation of Clinical Pharmacy is about to begin. Tomorrow. 

Pfft.. I'm scared of this rotation. I was really depressed back then, during the first rotation.It was the darkest period of my life, ever. 

That was then, 6 months ago. 6 months later, I hope that I would be able to take the stress and workload. Because I'm a brand new person. I should be able to handle the stress, insya Allah. 

I really have to reorganize my life. Make a timetable or something. I must strive to become a better person. A more organized person. 

On another note, I had finished reading Jennifer Niven's 'All the Bright Places'. I love the book. It is so cleverly and beautifully written. Though it breaks my heart a little. I had expected that kind of ending all along. 

And also, I had finished watching the last episode of 'Twenty Again'. It is a rather inspiring and heart-warming Korean Drama. It tells about a 38 years old woman who is about to rediscover herself, and to make up for the time she had lost for 20 years by experiencing and enjoying life as a college student, where she found friends, and love. Hahaha. 

4 more months till I finish my PRP, insya Allah. 

Please pray for me! :)