Written 1 month ago.
Last night, I watched a video by Aida Azlin, one of the women I greatly admire, featuring Sarina Iskandar, also one of the women I look up to, titled ' Social Media Addicts'. Kind of. I couldn't read the full title, LOL.
They talked about how they are social media addicts, and of Sarina Iskandar who had deactivated her instagram for the past two months.
Sarina said that one of the reasons of her doing so is because of her anxiety, and that she is an overthinker. She keeps on comparing herself to others, telling herself that she is '....not doing well enough in your career or personal life', and that when she sees someone who is doing better than she is, she kinds of '.....beat myself up for it,'.
Thus, she said that no one should compare oneself to others.
Aida agrees, saying that people who posted something on social media only posted the highlight reel of that someone's life, and if we compare someone's 'highlight reel' with our '....normal everyday reel,', then '....we'll always feel small,'
First of all, yes. I relate to Sarina's experiences. I know how she feels. I am kind of relieved that someone like her is also struggling with anxiety. Anyone, regardless of his/her family background, is predisposed towards having anxiety. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Anxiety, how do I define this? The state of being anxious? Overthinker? Over-attached? Oversensitive? Yup, all of that is Me.
I realized that I had put too much expectation on myself from the year I took my SPM, to the moment I entered my foundation years in CFS, two years of it, and the following 4 years after, when I did my degree. I was being too hard on myself, I struggled to keep an 'excellent student' facade in front of my classmates and lecturers, and even though I had never failed any of my papers, I couldn't help comparing my measly average marks with those who had achieved so much more. I tried my best to study but you know, there is a limit to everything. I was so worried about what people might think about me when in fact, they have a lot of other important things to do and think about rather than spending a minute of two thinking about someone who is not that important, someone who is just one of the total of 100 classmates they have! Just like what Aida Azlin had said "You are not that important!"
I kept on comparing myself to this and that person. That was when one of my friends told me
"Sarah, you should not compare yourself to this person. You have many plus points that this person does not possess,"
That cheered me up for a bit, and as I graduated from university, my anxiety came to a halt.
But as I started working, it came back to me again. I had a time adjusting to a new environment. I was overly-sensitive, especially when the FRPs yelled at me in front of everyone. I was overly-attached, nostalgic and melancholy. Instead of focusing on the present, I couldn't help but to yearn for the good old days, those splendid yesteryears spent as a student in a sheltered environment where everyone was treated with kindness and respect. I was constantly anxious. I had been thinking too much. The what-ifs situations. I was so scared of committing medication errors.This state of anxiety is probably one of the reasons why I suffered throughout my PRP year. I was so scared of doing something wrong, that I was too careful, too scared of getting scolded by my FRPs that I did not actually learn that much.
Even until now, I have a hard time adapting to a new environment. When things are going on smoothly, I couldn't help but to fear for the future, anticipating the bad things that are going to happen, preparing myself for it.
I keep on expecting the worst so that I could be prepared for it to come. My sympathetic system is frequently activated, my pulse rate keeps on rocketing, ready for the fight or flight situation. But when that undesirable situation actually happened (which turned out to be not that bad), the overthinker me couldn't really accept the situation that is happening even though I had prepared long ago for it to happen! So much for preparations, huh? What a waste of energy spent worrying about things that have not yet to come.
It doesn't help that the media nowadays often feature news of various despicable crimes like murders, rapes, kidnaps, etc, that I feel unsafe whenever I go out and keep on shooting suspicious looks to every stranger I encounter, particularly men. Once, when I was living by myself for 4 months, I put a knife next to my bed when I sleep. It's just a precautionary measure, though it sounds extreme to others. However, the thought that the possibility of someone breaking and entering my house did not keep me awake at night. So I guess my anxiety is still under control.
Here in GM, we needed to do this health check up, which also includes the state of your mental and emotional well-being. I took the DASS test and after calculating the scores, I found out that I have a mild anxiety, with a rather high pulse rate. The doctor in charge of my ward (also in charge of the Psychiatry clinic) told me to take the Thyroid function test and ECG, to rule out any pathological cause. To further illustrate my anxiety, I kept on running to the lab 4 times a day to check whether my lab results are out, and along the way, googling about thyroid medications and celebrities who suffered from thyroid disease. LOL, I also tried picturing myself living with hyperthyroidism. 😒
Both results came out normal and that was when she finally told me that I might have anxiety disorder. When she broke that news to me, I felt sad, even though I had been prepared for this. See? Worrying about the future wastes your time and energy, as when something you had anticipated long ago to happen actually happens, your acceptance towards that something is still the same as when you found out that it's actually happening right here, right now. Get it? In other words, only worry about something when it actually happens. Only cross the bridge when you get to it.
She asked me whether I need to have an appointment with the psychiatrist for a counselling session? I declined, saying that my anxiety is under control.
It's true. Perhaps I was feeling under the weather when I took the test. Those feeling of anxiety might appear every now and then, and it gets worse during my PMS days. But I have had good night sleeps, and so far, I did not experience any panic attacks. I try not to immerse myself in my turbulent emotions and instead, distract myself from thinking too much about unnecessary things by reading, writing, or just spending time with my friends. After about a day or two, I will feel better. This world is a transient place and thus, everything in it is temporary too, including our emotions and feelings. There's always going to be ups and downs in your life. When good things happen, just enjoy it, don't think of the scary, imminent future that might or might not happen. When you're stuck in an unpleasant situation, don't think too much about it as well. Try to get yourself out of it. Eventually, that too, will pass. Insya Allah! Life is a series of Tests for you to get into Jannah, ameen!
So, yes, I am still learning to control it. I try not to think too much, and I only focus on what I have in hand right now, rather than on the far, unforeseeable future. So far, this method works for me. I also have to tell myself repeatedly that Allah's plan is the BEST PLAN EVER! and that He, being Loving and Merciful, would never inflict unnecessary harms to His servants. So, don't try to think too much. Focus on the good things.
I hope anyone who is struggling with anxiety is able to find his/her way out one day, insya Allah.
