Where will I sleep tomorrow?

To cut things short, my preceptor's husband passed away this morning. My mom and I went to the mosque to pay our 'final respect' to the 'arwah'.

The last time I ever attended a funeral was in 2010, where my grandmother passed away in Singapore.

She was a generally healthy person, with a moderate case of hypertension. The cause of her death is simply bacterial infection, possibly acquired when she was cutting the fish. She was being warded for about 2 months and passed away soon after.

As for my preceptor's husband, he had diabetes and his death is also attributed towards the extreme level of glucose in his blood. He was unconscious for almost a week when it was finally decided that it was the time to let him go (he had been surviving on machines) and yeah, he passed away after a week at the hospital.

My father's friend passed away right after he sent his daughter to the matriculation college. It was being alleged that he experienced a heart attack after carrying his daughter's luggage.

Another friend of his passed away when he was playing 'sepak takraw'. 

This got me thinking. I could be destined to die any moment now. Even when I'm typing this very sentence. You don't need a specific cause to die. If it's your time to die, then you will die. Sometimes, you would die because of unlikely initiation factors (like playing sepak takraw/carrying a luggage thus getting heart attack/respiratory failure or cutting the fish thus getting bacterial infection).

I don't know. I'm scared. I have so many debts towards Allah. I'm afraid that I won't be given enough time to pay the debts, and to strive in seeking his pleasure, to perform ibadah, etc.

I could die anytime now. If Allah decided that I shall die, then yes, I will. But then, he had given me chances to repent, to change something, to change myself for the betterment. He is giving me time to perform ibadahs, to please Him. 

Tonight, I will be sleeping on my bed at home, surrounded by my family members. Who knows, I might be 'sleeping' in the grave, all alone tomorrow? That I will be waiting fearfully as the 'Angels Munkar and Nakir' proceed to question me in the grave? And if I can't answer the questions, I will be punished and tortured? This makes me scared and sad.

I should be thinking about death a lot, so that the very thought of it would not lead me astray, away from the right and true path, so that it will guide me towards my creator, the most merciful Allah s.w.t. 

Read al-Quran a lot, for it will be your companion in the grave, illuminating the dark surrounding with its brilliant light, insya-Allah. 

Remember Allah always. 

The REAL Time Travel

My mom told me, my siblings, my dad, aunts and cousins about this surreal tale last night during the family 'iftar' at our kampung in Perak. 

There was this boy who studied at an elite boarding school in Alor Setar, who had been missing for 3 days. Someone saw the boy walking to the school musolla for Subuh prayer really early in the morning and he went missing ever since. 

Once found, the boy claimed that he had met someone who speaks like those people who lived during the Zaman Kesultanan Melayu Melaka (Malaccan Malay Sultanate Period).

"Siapakah gerangan tuan hamba?"
"Bolehkah hamba menumpang sembahyang di tempat ini?"

and you get the dialogues la kan.

It had been a number of occasions for that boy to have been 'kidnapped' by non-biological entities (if you know what I mean). After the boy went missing for several days, they'd find him in these two places, either at the school toilet or at the school musolla. 

I'm not sure whether he had really followed the 'Laksamana/Hulubalang/Temenggung/Bendahara' to the glorious days of Malaccan Sultanate, but if this is one of the ways to time travel, then I'd rather not experience it.

Oh yes, the boy got an A+ for his Sejarah SPM. HAHA.

THE END. 

Writer's Block

I am currently experiencing this MASSIVE writer's block!

Have you ever experienced this feeling of  'being delighted at these simply brilliant ideas, thus writing them out, pouring your heart contents onto it and yet, halfway through writing it, you found yourself doubting the story, and your credibility as a writer? 

Because that's simply what I'm experiencing now. 

My ideas are weird. In the midst of writing it/them/whatever, I feel that the whole story is worthless, and I can't help but to succumb to stereotypical storylines at times. T__T

I'm not sure whether what I like to write would also be what people wanted to read.

I guess I just have to follow my guts and write from my heart. 

CLICHESS. Oh how I hate you. And I don't want any of them in my story. But somehow, it is needed.  Can't believe I am saying this. Haihh..

I have had enough of fictions. I wanted to go to the museums and read books on World War II and Pre-war Malaya. 

I need to rest. I hope I'd wake up to be bestowed with more ideas. 

Tomorrow: 12th day of attachment. I'm getting bored day by day... T__T. 

Good night! 

What if I'm Pregnant?!!! Part Two

a continuation from the first part (sort of)... 

It's final. IIUM had sent me an official letter confirming my expulsion from the university. It is so predictable. I mean, it's IIUM! International Islamic University Malaysia. ISLAMIC! What kind of Islamic university which had tried its best providing 'Islamic' environment to its students would want to keep me there? I'm not saying that other universities would not have taken the same action; but do you get it? 

For I have tarnished the image of the university and also my identity as a Muslim. I feel so embarrassed, I am feeling extremely guilty! I'm sooo enraged, my whole self is filled with anger! But towards whom should I be angry with? Should I blame Terry Pratchett for writing such a fantastic book? Should I blame myself for not going to MBS Bookstore at East Coast Mall instead of Popular Bookstore, Megamall Kuantan, thus paving path for the both of us to meet?

Oh, that guy. Yeah, I should blame him. Why is he so addicted towards books as I am? And why is he so immensely attractive? Maybe I should contact him again. Maybe we could get married and open a library together. Maybe our child, the fruit of our love would grow up reading books like his/her parents (I hope it's a girl) and write a series of a boy going to the magic boarding school, garnered the attention of an award winning movie producer who decided to adapt the series into several box-office movies and my child, the great author will carve her name as the BEST best-selling author in the world!

Dream on, Sarah. Yeah, dream on.

There's no way on earth am I going to contact him again. Sure, love had made you blind. Whatever. 

There are several important things that I'm worried about right now.

Number one: My parents. They won't talk to me. I can't even bear to look at them by their faces. They are truly disappointed with me. Maybe I should leave the home for a while. But I don't have money! Wait, I do have some money! JPA Scholarship! I'd better withdraw my money from the account and transfer it to another account before JPA decided to take it all back.

On second thought, what if I'm required to pay the debts to JPA??

Number two: My future. What now? No longer a Bachelor of Pharmacy student? I should take up other courses. Cheap courses. I don't knowwwwww..... :((

Number three: This child who is now snoozing peacefully in my belly, unaware of the chaos and problems she had created by merely existing. I'm scared of giving birth!!!! I don't even have a husband by my side to calm me down! Giving birth. Well, I've watched several videos of women giving birth. It is not at all pleasing!  I bet that it will be REALLY REALLY 100x painful! 

Basically, that's all. I don't know whom should I turn to for help. I know that I couldn't consult my parents, they have their own headaches, thinking of my problem. There's no way am I going to contact any of my friends. I reached for my handphone and saw that there had been..

50 text messages.

20 missed calls.

Being schooled in IIUM for almost 2 years, I've attended halaqah, and the naqibah would always say 

'Turn to Allah whenever you're in distress. He will listen to you, '

and

'Ask forgiveness from Allah. He is the Most Merciful and Forgiving'.

It's easier said than done. The thing is, I'm feeling a bit ashamed of myself. I'm too embarrassed to even ask for Allah's help. I mean, He had given me everything! Everything! I'm being born in Malaysia instead of Afghanistan and Pakistan where women there are treated like slaves. I'm living in a Muslim country where Halal food is freely available everywhere. I have parents who are excellent in terms of their health and finance. 

Allah has given me everything! Yet, I blew up everything! I've committed a very grave sin! 

I did that

I did it

To be continued...