It's final. IIUM had sent me an official letter confirming my expulsion from the university. It is so predictable. I mean, it's IIUM! International Islamic University Malaysia. ISLAMIC! What kind of Islamic university which had tried its best providing 'Islamic' environment to its students would want to keep me there? I'm not saying that other universities would not have taken the same action; but do you get it?
For I have tarnished the image of the university and also my identity as a Muslim. I feel so embarrassed, I am feeling extremely guilty! I'm sooo enraged, my whole self is filled with anger! But towards whom should I be angry with? Should I blame Terry Pratchett for writing such a fantastic book? Should I blame myself for not going to MBS Bookstore at East Coast Mall instead of Popular Bookstore, Megamall Kuantan, thus paving path for the both of us to meet?
Oh, that guy. Yeah, I should blame him. Why is he so addicted towards books as I am? And why is he so immensely attractive? Maybe I should contact him again. Maybe we could get married and open a library together. Maybe our child, the fruit of our love would grow up reading books like his/her parents (I hope it's a girl) and write a series of a boy going to the magic boarding school, garnered the attention of an award winning movie producer who decided to adapt the series into several box-office movies and my child, the great author will carve her name as the BEST best-selling author in the world!
Dream on, Sarah. Yeah, dream on.
There's no way on earth am I going to contact him again. Sure, love had made you blind. Whatever.
There are several important things that I'm worried about right now.
Number one: My parents. They won't talk to me. I can't even bear to look at them by their faces. They are truly disappointed with me. Maybe I should leave the home for a while. But I don't have money! Wait, I do have some money! JPA Scholarship! I'd better withdraw my money from the account and transfer it to another account before JPA decided to take it all back.
On second thought, what if I'm required to pay the debts to JPA??
Number two: My future. What now? No longer a Bachelor of Pharmacy student? I should take up other courses. Cheap courses. I don't knowwwwww..... :((
Number three: This child who is now snoozing peacefully in my belly, unaware of the chaos and problems she had created by merely existing. I'm scared of giving birth!!!! I don't even have a husband by my side to calm me down! Giving birth. Well, I've watched several videos of women giving birth. It is not at all pleasing! I bet that it will be REALLY REALLY 100x painful!
Basically, that's all. I don't know whom should I turn to for help. I know that I couldn't consult my parents, they have their own headaches, thinking of my problem. There's no way am I going to contact any of my friends. I reached for my handphone and saw that there had been..
50 text messages.
20 missed calls.
Being schooled in IIUM for almost 2 years, I've attended halaqah, and the naqibah would always say
'Turn to Allah whenever you're in distress. He will listen to you, '
and
'Ask forgiveness from Allah. He is the Most Merciful and Forgiving'.
It's easier said than done. The thing is, I'm feeling a bit ashamed of myself. I'm too embarrassed to even ask for Allah's help. I mean, He had given me everything! Everything! I'm being born in Malaysia instead of Afghanistan and Pakistan where women there are treated like slaves. I'm living in a Muslim country where Halal food is freely available everywhere. I have parents who are excellent in terms of their health and finance.
Allah has given me everything! Yet, I blew up everything! I've committed a very grave sin!
I did that
I did it
To be continued...
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