Happiness

As I grow older, I realized that the most important thing for me to achieve is 'happiness'.

It is easy to find happiness that lasts for a short time. For example, I found temporary happiness in:  

- watching my favourite drama/movie

- reading a book

- spending time with my friends

- being with my family members

- having a vacation/day off

But once I returned back to my usual state of not doing all those things, I feel lonely, and sad. 

I know that it's easy to find happiness that is temporary. I somehow understand the feeling of people who resorted towards drinking alcohol or taking drugs. They have this hollow inside them. They need something to fill up the emptiness. They usually have problems, and they tried to distract themselves from thinking about these problems by temporarily numbing their minds by many routes of escapism. 

After the transient state of happiness went away, they got frustrated. They continued the same cycles of abusing themselves with alcohol and drugs (sometimes, women) as a desperate attempt to seek the happiness that they had once felt, to find the happiness that had abruptly left them. 

I have this belief that everything every single person does eventually leads to the same goal: to obtain happiness.

A person works hard to get money because he believes that when he has more money, he will be happier. 

A woman tried her best to beautify her appearance because she believes that when she is beautiful, everyone will like her. 

And the list goes on. 

What can we do to achieve an eternal happiness? Happiness that will continue to exist inside us, of which we can carry everywhere we go regardless of what is happening in our surrounding? It is not easy to maintain a state of happiness in this world, that is never ending with its series of trials and tribulations. 

First of all, we must understand that happiness does not exist in worldly things. Stop getting too attached to things or people we classified as our sources of happiness. I do not mean to be pessimistic but, worldly things will ultimately stay in this world. They are temporary, just like this world. They give temporary happiness. They will leave us someday. It's not wrong to say that your family is one of the reasons for you being happy. But like I said, they will leave you someday, or you, leaving them. 

Secondly and most crucially,  we must have this belief that only Allah has the key towards happiness. Even when you are in your lowest of iman and in desperate need for help, bear in mind that only by returning to Allah will you achieve your happiness again. Why is that so? Allah is the As-Salaam. The Source of Peace. "… Only in the remembrance of Allah can the heart find peace." (Qur'an, 13:28) 

So cry your heart out. Open your heart towards Allah. Let Him hear your pleas. He is the As-Sami, the Hearer of All. Just have this faith that no matter where you are, He is always there by your side. He is your Guardian (al-Muhaymin), your protector, someone you could rely on. All these time you had forgotten Him, He is always there, He is your Friend who is always protecting you (Al-Wadud). You were not aware of His presence, as your heart is so heavily tainted with sins. But trust me, once you decided to return to Him, the shroud of sins that had once acts as a barrier between you and your Loving creator will be lifted, and you will finally realize that He is always there all this while. He had never forsaken you. 

Continue to build your relationship with Allah. Don't let anything sever this ties. When you realized that you had moved to the wrong side of the path, steer yourself back towards Him. Like a loving mother, He will always be there to embrace you and guide you to the right path, no matter how sinful you think you are. 

Repeat these steps. And again, most importantly,wherever you are, whatever situation you are in, remember that Allah is always with you. Bring Him inside your heart everywhere you go (metaphorically speaking of course). 

Only then will you find the eternal happiness that you had always coveted. 

Asmaa- al Husna is really great. You could learn a lot of things about Allah just by reading about the meaning behind His 99 beautiful names. And you could find comfort from those names, knowing that you have someone who is so powerful for you to rely on. 

All by Myself

I had always considered myself to be an ambivert, rather than to exclusively categorize myself in the other two extreme sides- introvert or extrovert.

But really, the more time I spent knowing myself, the more I realized that I am more of an introvert rather than an ambivert or extrovert.

In the morning when I wake up to drive myself to work, I cherish the 30-40 minutes journey cruising along the hallway, listening to Steve and Shaz's Lite Breakfast Section or simply singing along to songs I know the lyrics of. 

Most of the time I would just silently drive and had a lot of thinking. A moment of self-reflection, which includes devising the strategies that I shall employ to survive another day at work, my future plan, my so-called problems and the problems of others, the ideas of my books and many more. 

When I came back from work, particularly after facing a rough day, I would usually stop by the petrol station, bought a can of cold coffee latte and just sit in my car, listening to the songs on the radio and again, trying to mend myself back together. I had done the same thing when I was in university. Whenever I got stressed up with my studies or anything, I would go to the canteen, bought myself a coffee and just sat there. Alone. Amidst the large crowd there who were waiting for their dinner to be ready. 

Sometimes I would head up to Secret Recipe and get myself an ice-blended green tea or an ice-blended caramel coffee. Caffeine, I learned, really helps in reducing stress- in my case. I would then sit in the cafe, reading a book while sipping the drink. 

I also love to eat by myself. In the university, I often ordered a large dinner at the cafe. Then I'd just pick a secluded spot where I could just enjoy my meal and read the Adventures of TinTin comics. 

Books are great companies! 

So after coming back from work, I went to Pizza Hut or KFC and just ordered whatever meals. If i weren't reading books, I would just observe my surrounding, thinking, reflecting, people-watching. 

I especially love going to the bookstore alone. Walking from one shelf to another, I would inspect each titles, longingly and lovingly stroke them as what a cat lover would do to the cats. Sometimes, I would walk out of the shop empty handed but there were times where I was inclined to spend something on books. I might not finish reading them, but I love to collect them. 

Some of my friends couldn't understand how on earth could I manage to roam the shopping complex by myself or worse, watching a movie at the cinema all alone. Watching a horror movie, to top it off. A friend even said "Sarah, nanti nak pergi mana-mana, bagitahu je kitorang. Kesian pergi sorang-sorang,". To which I just laughed. I couldn't seem to find the 'kesian' part. 

But I don't know. I have learned to enjoy my own company. I enjoyed having conversations with myself. I enjoy to do something without getting interrupted by people around me. 

But I do know my limits. Being a girl, I am more exposed to the bad things of this world. I dare not to go to any secluded, strange places alone. I would have never dreamed of becoming a solo backpacker. 

If I were a guy, I might just impulsively book a ticket to somewhere for the weekend and just enjoy myself there, alone, just like what my brother did.  In fact, there are many things I wish to do if I were a guy. But never mind, I am a girl. A woman. 

For now, going to the shopping mall alone is the most I could do. 

But at the same time, I do enjoy the company of others. I dislike being in crowded places filled with unfamiliar faces. I love spending time with my siblings and my close group of friends. But it's not like I am totally dependant on having people to spend time with. I am totally contented with spending time with myself, thank you very much. 

So there. I guess I'm about 90% introvert and 10% extrovert? I feel like reading Susan Cain's 'Quiet'. Perhaps I would find people who are the same as I am. 

The Kampung Memories

I was waiting for my parents at a restaurant. More of a habit rather than out of boredom, I took out my phone and began flipping through the images in my Gallery. Those photos mostly consisted of patients' data, different doses of Tinzaparin given according to body weight, ward check photos, some random-photos-I-took-and-thought-to-post-them-on-instagram-but-later-decided-not-to-and...

a picture of my uncles, aunts, late Opah and my parents all sitting in one circle, talking to each other at the'family area' of my Opah's wooden kampong house. At the background, one could see the children sleeping on mattresses out in the open, with no walls or bedrooms to separate the sleeping areas. This was taken when I was in primary school, which was about more than 15 years ago.

I was struck by good old memories and reminiscences of my childhood. Till now, I had always been proud and happy to say that I had lived a fulfilling childhood, having the best of both Kampong world from my father's side and modern world, having lived in the city since I was born.

When my siblings and I were young, my parents would often take us to the kampung during school holidays. I distinctly remember my father parking his car in front of the balai raya and off we would cross a wooden bridge over the river that separates the main kampung road and the area of which my Opah's house is situated. The wooden bridge was so frail and narrow to permit heavy vehicles to tread upon it.

In fact, I also remember the time when the bridge was destroyed during a heavy downpour that in the end, we all had to cross the river to get to my kampung. Upon crossing the river, we had to hike up a bit over an ascending ground which later brought us the familiar view of my aunt's house in front, my Opah's house in the far left and my Moyang's house next to it.

It was a wooden structure built on stilts, with two extensions at the front and at the left constructed on the ground.

We would often walk to the left side of the house, knocked on the door and there was a clay buyung that collects rainwater for us to wash our feet before entering the house. A view of the Ruang Tamu and the kitchen greeted us. On our left, there are numerous old-fashioned racks built to store crockery and other household items. On our right, a dangerously steep wooden staircase with widely spaced rungs with no railing for us to hold on to our dear life leads to the upstairs.

This dangerous staircase had stood witness to many of my cousins injuring themselves when playing and descending down from it. A concrete pangkin covered with rubber mat was constructed next to the staircase, an ideal place for the folks to have an afternoon chit-chat over kopi and pisang goreng.

Upstairs, there were 3 rooms, only one of which is properly used as the bedroom for my uncle and aunt who is living there while the other two just served as store rooms. I remember the existence of a big old-fashioned 4-poster steel bed in one of the rooms. When the relatives came, we would all gather at the wide living space outside those rooms. At night before bed, mattresses would be taken out and spreaded on different corners of the area. Each mattress would usually be occupied by the members of the same family although I'd usually chose to sleep with my Opah and female cousins. We were very young back then so aurat wasn't an issue for us.

The floorboards would creak when we walked on it while the whole house would shake if any of the younger cousins ran across the area during a tag game. This would lead them being reprimanded, to which they later played in silence.

On the walls, my Opah had hung  handcrafted decorations made from empty vitagen bottles I had consumed when I was a child. My family and I lived in Penang back then. My Opah stayed with us for a while and during that period, she would collect every single vitagen bottles that I had consumed, washing them and threading the together into a big flower shape decoration. This simple act touched my heart till this very day. Perhaps she wanted to make a memory of me, or perhaps she was struck with creativity at that time she saw those vitagen bottles.

I especially enjoy the time when it was raining whereby I'd sit in front of the tall traditional window and looked outside at the rainwater falling down to the land, creating puddles of mud water. The geese quacked and seeked shelter under the wooden houses. The sound of the pitter-pattering on the zinc roof had a calming effect rather that it being irritating or annoying.

It got better at night. The cold wind seeped through the cracks of the wood, lulling us to sleep. The house was dimly lit by the white candles and burning mosquito-repellants coils. The crickets sang in harmony in throughout the darkness of the night. It was rather peaceful, and there wasn't any worry of whether there would be thieves or intruders.

Morning came. The once quiet house was stirred with the sound of its residents waking up by one. The young ones were allowed to sleep while the older cousins were ushered to wake up and perform the subuh prayer. Mattresses were rolled up and kept inside the room.

Our childhood activities included bathing in the river in the afternoon, playing hide and seek, roleplaying and many other activities that did not include anything electronics.

Soon, it was time to return to the city. Everything was packed up and we were ready to go. As we were about to descend the ground to cross the river, I looked behind and waved to my Opah who was sitting on the staircase of my great-grandmother's house. She looked sad. So was I. But I was immediately cheered up by the thought that in the next few months, she would come to visit us in the city and live with us before going back to her own home in the kampung.

My Opah passed away in 2005 and since then, there was no such gathering of relatives held in that house.

In 2014, we went back to the kampung to meet our eldest aunt there. The river was still there. A sturdy concrete bridge was built over it which allowed cars to pass through. I walked to the old house and my heart was filled with moments of nostalgia. Everything still looks the same. The house stood dilapidated over the years. My great-grandmother's house stood empty next door. We sat in the car as Dad drove through the village. When we were all much younger, those houses were all occupied. I remember opened windows, opened doors, elderly people lounging outside the house. I also remember a lady sitting on the wooden staircase in front of her house. Now, all those visions were replaced by the sights of abandoned houses, with overgrown bushes covering the ground.

Dad chanted the name of the people who once lived in those houses, all of which had now left the world. The once bustling kampung where everyone knows everybody is now left to decay.

We could not blame anyone though. It is just a small village, and people moved out to seek better life and opportunities, as compared to living a simple life in the kampung. Time has changed. One day, my beloved kampung might not even exist anymore.

I shall not lament for the past, as it had been good for me. I shall not cry because my childhood days had long left me now that I am now an adult. It is time to move on. Like what Dr Seuss had said "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened,".

All in all, I am glad I had had the experience of living in the kampung, as not many friends my age had the chance to do so, so as most of the kids of current and future generations.

Still a Padawan.

Today's major highlight: 

Yup, ladies and gentlemen. I had bought the Obi-Wan Kenobi blue lightsaber! The very one that I had long coveted since I embarked into the fandom in 2012. 

My brother Haziq on the other hand, bought the green Luke Skywalker lightsaber. Now, we're trying to persuade Syafiq to buy Darth Vader's red one. Or Kylo Ren's hahaha. 

Haziq and I had a lightsaber fight just now. My sister commented that I had tbis aggressive look on my face when I was fighting, lol. This lightsaber is of the medium price range; the cheapest being the bladebuilders extendable series (no light/sound effect though) and the most expensive are the ones from the Force Fx series, if I'm not mistaken. 

The lightsaber is made from hard translucent plastic. It's not exactly PVC. But it's strong enough to withstand any excessive force used during a lightsaber duel.  It's really strong, trust me, I accidentally knocked it really hard against my (made of steel) bedpost when I was practising some lightsaber fighting moves and there isn't even a single scratch, what's more a crack! A good value for money, right? That's why you should always buy the originals. 

Gotta learn all those lightsaber skills from youtube. Hahaha. 

Sure, a real Jedi builds his/her own lightsaber, but I ain't got time for that. :P 

Also, I'm gonna have to watch all those Star Wars movies again, especially the prequels as they have awesome lightsaber fighting scenes. I love the prequels, there, I said it. 

I'm thinking of rewatching The Force Awakens again at the cinema. I especially love the moment Rey used the force to pick up the lightsaber. Not much of a spoiler pun, don't whine! 

3 more weeks till I finally and officially finished my PRP yaay! It's unbelievable how this one year of tortures is finally coming to its end. Pheww...

Remember

I will never forget how badly me and my friends were being treated by them there. Never.

I will never forget all those moments they made me feel bad and succumbed into crying. I will never forget the copious amount of tears I shed throughout this miserable PRP year. And the depression I had to go through.

I would never give them the glory of saying "All these made me stronger" but instead, I will say "Having received all those bad treatments made me realize that I should always treat everyone with kindness regardless of their positions, backgrounds, age, race or religion". I pray that I will not turn out to be like any of you whom I greatly despised. 

And that in this working life, I had had a good judgment of their characters, based on what Queen Rowling had said " If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals". I know that we were treated like dirts. 

I'm not sure whether I would readily forgive you people. 

Be rest assured that not all apples in the same basket are rotten. Those who had so kindly and patiently guided me, those who are like the lights that lit the darkness, thank you very much. You guys are an inspiration. 

To those rotten ones, someday we'll cross paths again, but by that time, I am no longer your inferior, or even equal, but I will be someone superior. I don't know how this will happen, but life has some plot twists of its own. We don't know what will happen in the future. 

I will never forget. 

2 more months to go. And probably one month as a floater. Hope I'll never be working with any of them in the future.

Reminder

I'm writing this post today to remind myself that being a PRP is so emotionally, mentally and physically exhaustive. 

It's also to remind myself that working at the hospital requires a great deal of perseverance and stamina (mentally, emotionally, physically). 

I want to remind myself not to forget how I am being treated by the people over there, and to never have anything to do with any of them ever again. I don't want to ever meet any of them again once I had finished my PRP year. 

If getting posted to Sg.Petani means that I have to go through any of the things I had experienced during my PRP year, or to meet any of the people I despised over there, then no thanks. 

I'm thinking of working at Klinik Kesihatan (if I managed to get posted there). 

Oh yes, I want to remind myself to rethink about my decision to choose ward supply as my department of choice for my FRP period. 

I am so tired. Hahaha. 

I realized that I had developed a passion for learning. 

Having my mother as a teacher, I too, realized that I found great joy in teaching others and sharing knowledge with them.

Many of my friends foresee me becoming a lecturer someday in the future. They said I have that 'lecturer's vibe', LOL. 

Though many of my FRPs would laugh and scoff at this very idea. I didn't exactly give a stellar performance throughout my PRP training. Oh well, they don't know who I really am. The same goes with my friends at the hospital. We are very good friends, of course. But they don't really know who I am. They don't know what my dreams are. They don't even know I love reading and writing. It's my fault too, of course. I was too busy complaining on how hard the life of a PRP is. LOL. 

I miss doing real research of my own interest ( a topic I developed by myself) at the LABORATORY. 

I really questioned my decision to stay becoming a hospital pharmacist right after I had seen the tightly packed duty roster for December. My friend suddenly said "Sarah, let's become lecturers in UIA!" 

I don't know about UIA. It's too far from home. 

One thing for sure. I'm going to become an academician. 

That's it! I'm going to stop becoming a hospital pharmacist right after I had finished my one year of FRP (1+1 compulsory service) and then I'm going to apply for Masters (Pharmaceutical Chemistry/Pharmacology/Medicinal Chemistry/or maybe Clinical Pharmacy oh wait I hate going for ward rounds so I'm going to cancel it out from my options),  become a lecturer, then apply for PhD, become an assistant professor, then associate professor, and finally become a Professor. Then I can win a Nobel Prize for my breakthrough discovery in the world of drugs, LOL. 

Hey, daydreaming really helps to overcome your feeling of sadness and hopelessness.

Two and a half months to go, then sayonara PRP life! Wouldn't wanna miss you! Ever! 

Bye..

Remedies

I am trying hard to suppress my annoyance and irritation towards really simple things. Blame the hormones on that.

Is there any remedy to tone down this feeling? 

Chocolates wouldn't help. I've tried. 

The perfect thing to do would be to just isolate myself from everyone and just read a book or in this case, write. 

So, done with clinical. I love this 2nd clinical rotation, where I got attached to the Pediatrics Ward. I actually enjoyed working and discussing stuffs with my very knowledgeable and inspiring preceptor, and I actually enjoyed doing ward rounds! LOL

At the beginning, I was scared to join the specialist, the MOs and the HOs for ward rounds as I was afraid of them asking me questions that I could not answer.

But they (the specialist, MOs, HOs) had been so nice to me so far. They acknowledged my presence as a pharmacist there, and the fact that they actually thought of asking questions to this mere PRP (even when my awesome FRP was in the same cubicle-but clerking patients in different bed) brings such an honour to me. LOL.

I learned a lot of thing, and I realised that I had become more knowledgeable than when I first became a PRP and when I was doing my first horrible clinical attachment at the Medical Ward (Male). 

3 months to go. 3 more rotations to complete (OPD, Klinik Kesihatan, Ward Supply) before I finally get this horrifying PRP year to be over with. For my satisfyingly fun clinical rotation, I have 2 people to thank for. The first person is of course, my awesome Pediatrics Clinical Pharmacist, Mr T and the second person is Miss T, the head of clinical pharmacist who had helped me so much especially during the first clinical rotation of which I had faced this dark period of 'The Great Depression'. They inspired me to learn more and to care more for the patients. I actually have this thought of pursuing my studies in 'Clinical Pharmacy' someday in the future. But I'm torn between choosing 'Clinical Pharmacy', 'Pharmocology' or 'Pharmaceutical Chemistry'. Let's see. 

Now, let's talk about something else. 

Places 

Korea

My friends and I are planning to go to Korea next year during the Spring Season. But I don't know when will I get my posting for FRP. Will I still be in the dreadful H**? To whom should I apply my Cuti Rehat from? 

Kuantan

This had been in my plan since I started my PRP and started missing the good old days as a university student. I actually miss UIA Kuantan, Kulliyyah of Pharmacy, all my lecturers and the places I've always frequented to when I was studying in Kuantan. So many memories! :')

Cameron Highlands

One of my favourite places in Malaysia. My family and I went to Cameron Highlands right after I had finished my 1st horrible clinical rotation (which ended really well, Alhamdulillah). I was on the verge of depression back then, crying almost every day, loss of appetite, growing thin and weary that this made my parents worried. My mom later announced that she will plan a short holiday/getaway to Cameron Highlands right after I finished my clinical. Trust me, the thought of going to Cameron gave me strength to survive the oh-so-stressful-despicable week of Clinical. I had fun there, Alhamdulillah. The short staycation had managed to rejuvenate my weakening spirit and since then, Cameron had topped my list of my favourite places in Malaysia. Penang? Not anymore. Not after what it had done to me. LOL. 

Penang

Okay fine. I still love Penang because of the beautiful places there, definitely not because of its people (some of whom I despised greatly). I love its rich history. Someday I shall book a small room at an old house-converted-into-hotel and just roam Penang and savour its delectable choices of foods. And shopping as well. xD

Melaka

I need to go to Melaka again. I need to roam the museums and all the historical places there. My mom said that her side of the family had always been native Malaccans who had lived there since the days of the Malaccan Sultanate. A female ancestor of mine was said to have met and married a trader/merchant who came to the Malaccan port when she was selling beaded shoes by the sea shore. Wow..

I need to go to Melaka.

Gunung Jerai

What are the odds of you celebrating the end of your clinical rotations by going to the highlands? 

As I mentioned earlier, I went to Cameron Highlands after I finished my first Clinical Rotation and for this second Clinical Rotation, my family and I went to spend a night at the top of Gunung Jerai. 

It was the first time I experienced walking through a fog so thick that it made me feel as though I'm in a horror movie. 

Books

Peony in Love

I had finished reading 'Peony in Love' and I love it so much. I had watched many Chinese period/historical dramas when I was young, but I had never read a book with those time settings (the many dynasties where the emperor ruled China). I had read books by Amy Tan, but those books usually showcased the life of people from the war-torn China (after the Japanese Occupation and revolutions) who then immigrated to USA. (But I simply love The Bonesetter's Daughter). So, I'm looking forward to read more novels like this in the future. 

I had never read any fiction set during the Malaccan Sultanate. Except for the drama 'Puteri Hang Li Po' of which I was required to read for KOMSAS SPM. (or was it PMR?). Someone should write this kind of story. Someone who loves history and fiction. That someone seems familiar, LOL. 

Carry On

I was feeling a bit under the weather the day before my presentation. So right after I had finished working, I drove to the mall and bought myself an ice blended caramel coffee, headed to the bookshop and was delighted to find 'Carry On' by Rainbow Rowell sitting on the front shelf facing the entrance. 

I love Rainbow Rowell's books. I wish I could be Rainbow Rowell more than I could be JK Rowling. Carry On is like Rainbow Rowell's fan-fiction based on the famous Harry Potter series. I know that I could never be JK Rowling but Isn't it great to actually publish a fan-fiction based on Harry Potter? It shows how much you love Harry Potter. *sigh*. 

Buying books had long exerted this therapeutic effects on me. I have a towering pile of TBR books, but I kept on buying more. As long as it keep me happy and sane, then why not, right? 

I must continue writing. There was a point in my life where I actually thought of giving up on my dream to become a published writer and just focused on my daily job as a pharmacist. I had this thought that I would eventually end up as someone who would never get her dream as a published writer come true. 

Nope, I must work hard. Writing kept me sane during my tumultuous teenage years. It had since continued to make me sane till now. 

That's all from me. Gotta get back to reading. :) 

Quarter-Life Crisis

Late Twenties 

We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one

           Charles Dickens, Great Expectations. 

Taken from David Nicholls' 'One Day' aka a rather inspiring yet depressing book at the same time. T__T

I had just turned 25 four days ago. Yippee! No? 

And this newly-turned 25 lady (ahem) is fretting over what will happen tomorrow. 

No, it's not exactly fretting. More like worried, or is it the same thing?

I'm just going to say that the 25 years old Sarah is a much better person as compared to the 24 years old Sarah.

Let me remind myself of those times by which I was putting too much care about people's perceptions of me, since high school, foundation years, degree years and the first half of my PRP year. The Sarah back then was too scared of failing, too scared of making mistakes and getting reprimanded for those unintentional mistakes that she lead her life living so cautiously that she might as well not have lived at all, by which she failed by default. (does this quote ring a bell somewhere? hehe) 

I kind of smiled upon remembering the Sarah back then. So scared of failing a quiz. So embarrassed when her quizzes marks were posted outside the class, together with her name next to it. So bothered by what people thought or might not think about her. So eager to please everyone. 

And then, she embarked onto a thorn-ridden PRP life. She got scolded a lot. She got scolded again. She got shouted at, she failed an exam twice which led to her getting extended for 2 weeks, she cried, she stood up, she fell down again, she stood up, she got stronger. 

She had once regarded herself as the source of the problems that had happened to her. She was too slow, too incompetent, her brain is not made to memorize drug doses and regimens. All these made her felt worthless, useless, timid. 

Until later, she finally came to a realization that in certain circumstances, she could not change what people will think or had thought of her. If they decided to dislike her, then so be it. She will keep on improving and to prove that she is not what they had once thought she is, but rather than to prove it to others, she did it to prove to herself. 

A few days ago, I had browsed through my old logbooks from my previous rotations to fill in my SKT form. I could see the marks and comments my preceptors from each rotation had given and written in there.

I scored mainly average marks. The passing marks is 60%. The lowest I got is 66.8%, LOL and the highest I received is 86%. Okay, don't care. I only care about passing all rotations and getting out of this hospital after I finished my PRP. 

From one particular preceptor, there were these comments written:

- Could not complete tasks within the assigned period.

- Always careless in daily works

- Could not countercheck in 3rd week

- Failed to detect basic polypharmacy. 

I read these comments and I smiled. I actually laughed a little. As expected of her. So what? 

The old me would have probably cried in the toilet and let these harmless comments bothered the rest of her day and maybe the rest of the week. 

That's when I realized I had changed. I had learned not to be scared of people. (well, still working on this one). Slowly learning, yes, that's the word. Slowly. I had learned not to care about what people think of me. 

I know that I had improved considerably over the course of 9 months becoming a PRP. On my first day, I did't even know what the heck is Piriton (the brand name). Now, with Allah's grace, I am able to detect several polypharmacies and mistakes in prescriptions. I could also recite the common drug doses and frequency (regimen) without any hesitation when asked. Alhamdulillah. 

Wow, this post seems so inspiring that I actually forgot the purpose of me actually writing here (the title). 

Oh yes, quarter life-crisis. It's not really a crisis. I had started my PRP year consecutively being in 5 difficult rotations (OPD< IPD, Clinical, TDM, TPN), and then, 'vacation' started as I continued with the other 4 rather 'relaxing' rotations (Store, Manufacturing, DIS, CDR). 

And now, tadaaa... break's over, man! 

Second rotation of Clinical Pharmacy is about to begin. Tomorrow. 

Pfft.. I'm scared of this rotation. I was really depressed back then, during the first rotation.It was the darkest period of my life, ever. 

That was then, 6 months ago. 6 months later, I hope that I would be able to take the stress and workload. Because I'm a brand new person. I should be able to handle the stress, insya Allah. 

I really have to reorganize my life. Make a timetable or something. I must strive to become a better person. A more organized person. 

On another note, I had finished reading Jennifer Niven's 'All the Bright Places'. I love the book. It is so cleverly and beautifully written. Though it breaks my heart a little. I had expected that kind of ending all along. 

And also, I had finished watching the last episode of 'Twenty Again'. It is a rather inspiring and heart-warming Korean Drama. It tells about a 38 years old woman who is about to rediscover herself, and to make up for the time she had lost for 20 years by experiencing and enjoying life as a college student, where she found friends, and love. Hahaha. 

4 more months till I finish my PRP, insya Allah. 

Please pray for me! :) 

The many emotions of Inside Out

(image googled) 

I had just came back from watching Disney's 'Inside Out'. And of course I watched the movie alone,  like I always did and love to do. Watching a movie alone allows you to fully enjoy the story without any interruption (in my case, my siblings/friends asking for the box of popcorn we shared together every once in a while, LOL) and be preoccupied with your own thoughts generated from what you have seen and heard. It's like having an inner monologue with yourself.

I've always been a fan of Disney/Pixar movies. I practically grew up with Disney movies and this of of course, had played a major role in shaping my imagination and so-called creativity. xD

Anyway, before I've decided to watch 'Inside Out', I had been really curious about how the storytellers of Pixar would weave an interesting story about 5 different emotions in the head of an 11 years old girl. It sounds quite scientific and psychological-ish (is there another word I could use to substitute this? Haha). I wonder how they're going to make the story flow, without it being boring and at the same time, educating the viewers on how the brain and emotions work. 

Munching my own box of popcorn, I realized that there was not a single soul found sitting in front, left and right of me (like I intended it to be). I was almost alone, minus one couple who were sitting a few rows behind me. The colourful scenes from the Pixar colour palettes greeted me, and I sat back, relax and began to enjoy the show. 

There was a bonus story about a volcano who is waiting for his true love to appear (from under the sea, literally). Hahaha. The story is pretty cute and the music pretty catchy (as expected of a Pixar production). 

And the story started. We were introduced to the first major emotion that appeared when we we born into this world. That is Joy. 

And later, Joy had new friends, developed over the course of years as we ( or Riley, in this case) grew up. Those new friends/emotions are 'Sadness', 'Fear', 'Disgust' and 'Anger'. 

We learned that apart from Joy; Fear, Disgust and Anger are needed to protect and defend ourselves from any physical or emotional harm.

It's just that I couldn't really fathom why should there be 'Sadness' in the first place. I got angry for the very existence of 'Sadness' and the problems 'Sadness' had caused. Sadness shouldn't exist! 

 All these emotions powered up the Islands of Personality, which include 'The Family Island', 'Friendship Island', 'Goofiness Island', 'Honesty Island' and 'Baseball Island', LOL. 

Riley was pretty happy, and 'Joy' practically filled most of her days. Everyone thought that she will continue being happy, but that isn't the case.   

From Minnesota, Riley and her family moved to a new place; San Francisco. Here, she was forced to adapt with a new surrounding, had to force herself to make new friends. Everything is so new. She felt so sad. This is when 'Sadness' took charge over the 'Emotion Control button'. But Joy and her other friends tried to suppress this feeling of sadness. They began throwing in 'happy memories', 'positive thinkings' into I presume... Riley's 'Amygdala' (which is not mentioned in this movie, but really, Amygdala controls your emotion. Correct me if I'm wrong. My knowledge of Anatomy had become rustier by the days, haha). 

That was when I felt delighted, knowing that in times of sadness, I wasn't really alone. I have friends to help me. 'Friends' in my brain. Whenever I'm sad, my 'friends' in the brain will try to make up for that sadness by triggering back good old memories and reinforcing positive thinking within myself. 

Anyway, Riley broke down. Something happened, that leads to the disappearance of 'Joy' and 'Sadness'. It's now up to Fear, Anger and Disgust to take control over Riley's emotions. We later learned that these 3 didn't really do a good job. LOL. 

Joy and Sadness on the other hand, tried to find their way back to the 'Headquarters', which I assumed, is the Hypothalamus (?). It's not an easy way back, and they came across many sorts of obstacles and difficulties, even exploring new places like the Imagination World (where they met Bing Bong, Riley's childhood imaginary friend). 

Fast forward to the end of the story, I later learned (the same goes with Joy) about the importance of 'Sadness'. 'Sadness' is the essential thing that makes us humans. By experiencing sadness, we feel  more vulnerable, and that we tend to seek comfort in the people we love (for example, our family). It created this feeling of love and being loved. And when we experienced sadness, support and care from others could bring us back up to the place where we had never managed to reach for in the first place. 

I finally get it. We couldn't be happy all the times. Sadness is important too. Sadness is so misunderstood. Poor Sadness. 

And another sad thing I learned from this movie is that, memories do fade away. Not everything is converted by the hippocampus into long-term memory. I don't mind the 'bad memories' fading away and later disappear forever. I feel sad that I might have forgotten some of the good memories I had during my childhood years. But it doesn't matter really. The most important thing is for you to store more good memories and to throw the bad memories away from your entire limbic system. Hehe. 

But eh, bad memories are essentials as well. They taught you to be more careful next time around. 

At the end of the movie, there is another thing that I love about this whole emotions-personality thing. It's that the coexistence of all 5 types of emotions could lead to new 'Islands of Personality' being created, and the expansion of the existing ones. 

I learned that all five emotions need to work together. They need to coexist with each other. What's life is all about if we only experience 'Joy'? What's life if we tend to always express our 'Anger' towards every single thing and person? 'What's life if we are too scared to live due to 'Fear' dominating our emotion?'. And definitely, life would seem meaningless if we tend to succumb too much into 'Sadness'. In fact, the 'togetherness' of these emotions leads to what we later defined 'Emotional Stability'. 

'Emotionally unstable' is a term that you would usually refer to a person who seemed to get angry too much for no reason whatsoever, a person who cried too much and later got depressed, and even those who were too hyper up to the point they got called 'loony' or 'mental' by other people. 

It's nice to see that these 5 emotions would do all they could to ensure our survival in this complex, challenging world. So, the next time you're sad, just tell 'Joy' about it,  and she will throw down some 'positivity orbs' and 'pleasant memories orbs' into your amygdala,  and you will be up and about in no time. :)

This movie features a great deal of stuffs about psychology, which is one of the scientific areas I have interest in (I like to explore people's minds, stalker much? haha), and that it also refreshed my memories of slaving away at my textbook, memorizing every part and function of the human's central nervous system. Seems like my hippocampus is still functioning well huh? Hahaha (Note: Hippocampus converts short term memories into long term memories). And oh, all these, without making the audience bored. Such a good storyline!

I hereby award this movie with 5 out of 5 stars. :)

Happy Independence Day, Malaysia!

First Question: 58 years of Independence, what have we achieved?

I shall refrain myself from making any seditious comment regarding our government. I have to confess that I'm a supporter of Barisan Nasional. Or was? I'm not so sure. One thing for sure is that I eventually got irritated, annoyed and angry with those who had tarnished the image of the party I had once loved and supported. Pfftt.. Really fed-up!

I can just say that I am deeply disappointed with what is happening to my beloved Malaysia. Independence doesn't hold that much meaning any more. It's just sad that after more than 50 years of achieving independence, our country had eventually come to this sorry state that it is now. *deep sigh*

Okay, don't care. 

Since our leaders are too engrossed with their political benefits and making up for the numerous political fiascos they had committed, there is nothing much that could be said about them. It's not like they'd listen to our worthless opinions, being mere citizens of Malaysia and all. But they're adults, and they're supposed to act like adults! I think my 11 years old brother is more adult-like as compared to them. He also knows what is the capital of Azerbaijan. Try asking this to any of the politician. I doubt that most of them could answer it without Googling for it first. Even AM with the CGPA of 3.85. 

But following the words of John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country". JFK tarnished his own image by being in an adulterous relationship with Marilyn Monroe, but he definitely had something that our PM doesn't. A very well-liked wife. Just like Juan Peron who has Eva Peron as his First Lady. 

Anyway, I digress. 

Second Question: 25 years of living, what have I done to my country? 

Let's see. 

I didn't win any international competition that makes my name worthy to be named on an asteroid. 

Faye Jong Sow Fei did, and she's awesome! 

(image googled)

I'm not much of an athletic person and thus the chance of me participating in major international sports event and winning a gold medal in Olympic to be very slim indeed. Not impossible, but nearly impossible. Plus, I do not have any intention of participating in Olympics. 

Nicol David for the win! (no Squash in Olympic, I know)

My name is not printed in any newspaper for having achieved any stupendous feats in any area whatsoever. 

Nasi goreng tanpa GST is a remarkable achievement, no? 

I am just an average person working as an average pharmacist in an average hospital in an average 3rd world country. 

But, is that what it takes to make our country proud? To be considered as 'doing something for our country' by making our names being recognized internationally? 

The answer is of course, no. Not really. 

 Even a small act/contribution that you had done could leave a big impact to the future of Malaysia. 

Let me just list down a few things that I had done to my country (on my part). Not just me, any other pharmacist as well. Doctors too, even teachers! But as I'm a pharmacist, let's just list a few things that an average pharmacist had done/could do towards changing Malaysia to a better place. 

• I had taught many patients on how to use the insulin pens, how to use the MDIs, how to take the GTN and many other stuff. On the impact it could have done: The patients could live longer (with Allah's wills and they could do more ibadah, their children and grandchildren will be happier hehe). 
• I had braced through the horrendous one-month attachment at Total Parenteral Nutrition (TPN), preparing TPN bags for neonates. I got scolded severely on many occasions, I got so physically and emotionally tired, breaking fast in the car after working up late preparing TPN bags for adults in the ICUs. On the impact my action could have done: The babies grew up healthily, I made their parents and other people happy, The babies could one day grew up to be someone who would make great contributions to the country. Who knows, one of them might become our country's Prime Minister? (and an intelligent one, too!) 
• I had worked days and nights, weekdays and weekends, mixing the various antibiotic syrups with all my strength, bracing through the fear of walking up to the satellite pharmacy at 1 am ALONE to get the Phenobarbitone STAT, even had to suppress my tears from coming out due to working with a very demanding FRP during night shift, all these, to dispense medications to the patients with hopes that they could have a better life. 

And many other things that I had done with all my heart, blood, sweat and tears. (lots of tears, mind you). 

Bear in mind that this post is not promoting what good deeds I had done. (And I did them all sincerely, insya Allah!) In fact, it's not just me. All the other pharmacists had done all these too. 

It's just to say that even though you feel like you're not good enough, you're worthless, you're incompetent, you're so slooowww, you had actually done many things to our country. You had changed the lives of the people you had met, you had actually done your part towards changing the world to a better place. 

You just have to work sincerely, without thinking of any reward you might get. Except to gain pahala of course. 

Okay, let's take another example. The Faber cleaners at the hospital. They too, had done their parts in contributing to the country. ( reading back, I realized that there are so many 'dones' in this post. So reDONEdant, hahaha!) 

• They had worked from 7 am to 7 pm EVERYDAY (I know this, I asked that sweet auntie cleaner myself), sweeping and mopping the floors, cleaning the toilets, taking out the garbage. The impact of their actions: A cleaner environment for everyone to work in. A pharmacist could work better and happier (because, clean toilets! LOL) and the chance of committing any medication error could be lessened. 
• And let us look at the impact of having a clean environment. Less hospital-acquired infections, less antibiotics used, less antibiotic resistance cases, less costs used to buy antibiotics from big pharmaceutical companies. The patients could recuperate better in a clean environment, and this would make everyone happy! 

Let me finally end this blog post with a something I had written when I was 18.  It's about 'The Royal Toilet Cleaners'. 

It was a spur-of-the-moment story (not really a story la),  I had written when I was suffering from Post-SPM Depression. having a dilemma of which path to take next, which step to take soon after. I finally realized that whatever it is I am destined to be, I must give my very best and also work with a sincere heart. 

Here it goes: 

(And ahem, mind the numerous grammatical errors. I was eighteen with very-much-less-than-impeccable level of English proficiency. HAHA. I don't want to edit.) 

Even if you're the toilet cleaner. You MUST do your BEST to make sure that the toilets are CLEAN!! It will be the talks of people if you do that. 

Mr. A said to Mr. B 

"I always go to that toilet lorr.. So clean," 

"Really? where?" 

He went to the respective toilet. 

'Whoa, so clean! So easyla like this!" 

And one unexpected day, the King of a faraway land comes to visit. 

King whispered to his Prime Minister- coincidentally is Mr. B. 

"I want to go, can or not?" 

Mr B understood the sign immediately and whispered back. 

'There's one toilet around this corner which is spotless! Clean! The toilet bowls are sparkling!" 

The King's eyes are sparkling as well. "Oh, really? Show me, show me!" 

'Wow, so clean lah!!! Who are the cleaners of this remarkably spotless toilets?" 

Ali and his colleagues timidly come out to meet the king. 

"It is us, your majesty," 

"How much is your salary per month?" 

"About.. RM 300," 

"What? So little? Come work with my country. I'll give each of you US$3000 per month!" 

(Okayla, US$3000 for mere toilet cleaners) 

Ali and his colleagues are appointed as Royal Toilet Cleaners in the country of....SOMALIA 

(The king of Somalia is known to be lavish with his spendings and thus he couldn't care less paying the toilet cleaners with a high amount. Eh no. I think I got the wrong king. Not Somalia, but definitely one of the kings in Africa. He got many wives one.) 

The Royal Toilet Cleaners are well known all over the world. They set up a Toilet Cleaners' Academy to train young Toilet Cleaners to clean as well as they do. This effort, the King hopes, will decrease the amount of people with AIDS and HIV in Somalia. Instead of taking drugs, they can clean toilets! And that will give numerous benefits to the country. 

The Toilet Cleaners graduates of The Royal Toilet Cleaners' Academy are well known all over the world. They are in high demand! Rumour has it that Queen Elizabeth has one of those to clean her loo in Buckingham Palace. 

Tourism in Somalia booms throughout the years. Tourists dare to come to this respective country due to it's well known spotless, sparkling toilets. The people got their own incomes now, the country is getting richer. And everything good fall into their places. 

All these, thanks to the hardworking toilet cleaners who made a difference, not just to the world. But the mindsets of people. 

See, it doesn't matter if you're a radiographer or a doctor or even a mere toilet cleaner. Make the best of it. Remains positive. Stop whining about how your life sucks and you don't get whatever that you want. Who knows, this story might come true one day. A prophecy, indeed! XD 

 (Written on Friday, 9th of May 2008)

 Amidst all the grammatical atrocities I had committed, I hope that you could get the gist of this whole essay.

From this, I can say that if you really take some time to observe your surroundings, having many thoughts and ponder upon those thoughts, you'd come to a realization that even toilet cleaners and garbage collectors had contributed greatly to the country.

My third and final question is: What have YOU done for your country?

Happy Independence Day, everyone! :)

(image googled)

P/S. I still haven't achieved my independence and freedom yet as I'm having my second rotation of TDM On-Call for PCM and Salicylate Poisoning. Pray that everyone is happy and the very idea of ingesting a whole lot of PCM tablets does not even come across their minds. Hehehe. 

High on Piriton

Rolling on my bed, trying not-so-hard to close my eyes and fall asleep,  I figured that I must write this post before succumbing to the power of the Sandman. 

It had been almost 2 months since my last post, I guess (can't be bothered to check). The last time you heard from me, I had just finished my clinical attachment (Part 1) and was currently doing my TDM rotation. 

Well, fast forward to now, I had finished my TDM rotation with a rather dramatic, conclusive ending, I had suffered and survived through TPN rotation during Ramadhan, just recently finished with the most coveted 'Store' rotation and I'm about to commence my 'Manufacturing' rotation' for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. 

How's life?

Life is good. Life is bad. It's a mixture of both. Not too good, not too bad. Not too sweet, not too bitter. Life is just nice. 

I had read that you have the power to determine your reaction or response to whatever life had thrown you into, but it is only now that I had the chance(s) to apply this theory/statement/whatsoever. 

I had decided to be happy. I just want to be happy. 

After recuperating from a bad case of cold and lying on my bed for 1 and a half day, feeling groggy over the PCM and Piriton tablets I had consumed, I went on to practise 'Canon in D' on my keyboard for 30 minutes, and had made some improvements. I then went on to study Mandarin, reading a Mandarin book for children, memorizing the words and the chinese characters for 30 minutes and hey, I could at least recognize and write the characters for 'jin', 'tian', and 'ba'! hahahaha. 

30 minutes is all it takes. I could learn more, but I just don't want to force myself because you know, I am currently in a recovery period, still feeling sleepy, weak, groggy (and to think that I have to drag myself to work tomorrow). 

I want to become a writer. Wait, I am already a writer. I want to become a published writer. This dream is harder to achieve now that I'm busy working,  but what if I spend about 15-30 minutes everyday to just force myself to write? 

Okay, my head hurts now. I really need to sleep. 

About being happy. Oh yes, let's continue. 

The best thing I had discovered during my PRP life so far, is the joy of having friends. No need to elaborate more about this for now. Just to say, I am so blessed to have these people as my friends, as the beacons of light Allah had given me, guiding me through this unknown path. 

I had browsed through the pictures taken during my CFS and university years. Again, friends. The joy of having friends. Of making memories. Wonderful, joyful memories. Sure, bad memories occasionally popped out to ruin my moments of happiness but I decided to shun them away. Off with those bad memories! Good memories, ahh.. I could still remember the details of each particular moment captured in the photos 

I giggled reading the conversations my friends and I had on facebook, those late night pillow talks- as my friend called it. And I also browsed through the comments people posted on my blog, and laughed at the anonymous ones, knowing that they come from my classmates in UIA, of whom I am still not aware of their identities. 

I am glad I had an awesome university life. 

Just last week, I had a meet-up with some of my old Convent schoolmates. Again, we reminisced all those memories we had at school. After talking to them, I realized that school is not so bad after all. I used to really hate my school life. But now, I kind of missed those moments too. There were bad memories of course, but like I said, let's just focus on the good ones. 

And as for PRP life, no matter how cruel this life is, I am glad I  had met new,great friends. 

I don't care about pleasing anyone. Or to get good, high marks for my PRP logbook. Those days of clamouring over high CGPAs and good grades are long over. I just want to be happy. To tell the truth, I don't even mind if I get a cukup-cukup 60% for all my logbooks. Just to show how fed-up I am with this whole PRP thing. 

I just want to be happy. To make a lot of memories. To make a lot of good memories. The heck with meeting more than the required 'requirements'. As long as I can pass each rotation and get out from this hospital, then I'm happy enough. 

Let's all become happy!

This is Sarah ready to doze off. 

#currentlyhighonchlorpheniramine
#pardonthegrammarstillgroggy

#SixWordsStories... and longer.

I know that I am strong! #SixWordsStory

I know that I can survive! #SixWordsStory

I'll come out as a survivor! #SixWordsStory

I don't care about winning, I just want to surviveeee, hahaha! #11WordsStoryLOL

All right, it's already June 2015. Phewww... 

As usual, I had undergone many 'heartbreaks' for the past one month because of this 3-letter word (PRP) but hey, I think I have gotten stronger! Sedih kejap je, then dah tak kisah, whatever la, dunia je semua ni, LOL. 

The details of these heartbreaks and the ugly truth about PRP life will be revealed once I finished my PRP and get my FRP posting to somewhere other than the place I'm currently posted to now. 

As for now, hmm...Gotta keep on being strong! It's the only choice I have. 

Last night when I was doing my night shift, using all the energy I had into mixing the Amoxicillin syrup (and many other syrups), I thought to myself "What am I doing here?" "I don't want to work in this hospital any more!" "I hate night shifts!" "I don't feel like working at the hospital at all!" 

One year of PRP and another year of compulsory service. Depending on how much I would enjoy  FRP life later on, I have another plan: I nak keluar daripada government. To pursue my studies and become a lecturer, or to work in a community pharmacy that pays (and treats) me well... depends laa. Tengok dulu FRP life kat mana and best tak jadi FRP nanti as compared to jadi PRP. T___T 

I used to like this job, meeting and talking with patients, etc. But as time goes by, I realized that I had become more rigid. I want to do my job well to avoid getting scolded by my superiors (I don't even care about pleasing them, I just don't want to get scolded by them!) I study because I want to pass the exam and not getting extended. I counselled many patients not because I really want to help them, but because I want to complete my logbook requirements. I go to hospital because I'm forced to and that I don't have any choice, not because I want to serve the people. 

Where is the sincerity had once been embedded in me? The working spirit, determination and all? The system made me this way. To strive for perfection. Any sort of mistake during the working process will not be tolerated. Because once you had made a mistake, your name will come out in the whatsapp group for everyone to see and to be informed of your mistakes. They said that an FRP bears more responsibilities than a PRP but from what I could see, it's the PRP who will be blamed for everything, even though the FRP has the duty of counter-checking our works first. 

I'm gonna stop now. I'm afraid that someone from Penang (specifically, from the hospital) might stumble upon this digital abode of mine and spew out the contents for everyone to know. 

Okay, let's end this post with another picture. 

I can only pray that I could finally be passionate with what I'm doing. 

revelation

Found this on facebook: 

And I realize that I miss the short 2 days-1 night family retreat at Cameron Highlands just last weekend. The last time I had been there was in 2001, which is about 14 years ago! Whoa. So much had changed over there. It wasn't as cold as I remembered it to be. I am feeling a bit sad looking at those rapid (and somehow illegal somewhere) developments that took place there. :(
But nevertheless, I was spending a quality time with my family! And I felt happy. :) 

But during those short 2 days there, my mind was preoccupied with works. Unfinished works, to be precise. I hate the fact that the thought of work had been occupying my mind almost the whole time there.

I wish I had just left all thoughts about works aside and just enjoy the holiday.

As I returned working from this supposedly rejuvenating retreat, I had been greeted with a rather unpleasant encounter with that person I had been talking about before. Oh whatever.

And to think that I do not have any choice but to be in the same room with that person everyday, makes me feel all uncomfortable, my stomach tying up in knots and I feel very ill indeed.

Oh whatever.

Of course I keep on praying to Allah to help me to get through this. Never was there a day that I didn't ask for Him to ease the path for me.

And just now, right after I had finished the Asar prayer, and when I held up my hands to pray, my mouth automatically recited these words "Please ease the path for me to learn the things that you intend me to learn,"

At that time, I know that Allah had reserved a great deal of lessons for me throughout these moments of difficulties.

PRP is not just about 'passing PRP and proceeding to FRP', it's kind of a 'self-improvement and development rehab', for me to come out as a brand new, better person!

And I began thinking, guessing, pondering upon those 'lessons' that He had intended me to learn.

And I wrote these on my instagram:

And just like that, I felt like the glass case that had long enclosed me had been automatically shattered. The spell had been broken. Or at least I think so.

I feel much better. I know that He loves me, He is constantly watching me. He is constantly taking care of me. During this moment of difficulties, He had helped me SOOO much! He had guided me, He had comforted me. He had instilled peace into my heart. And I love Him so much!

I was in a state of stress, depression, anxiety (you name it) for the past few weeks/and months. But I think my faith in Him had a lot to do with me moving on with my life no matter how hard it is.
There is always a good reason of why seemingly bad things kept on happening to me. There must be. Thinking of this gives me hope. I realize that confiding to my family members and friends couldn't really change anything. And so I keep on confiding in Allah. Because I know He has the power over everything.

I had just finished reading Jay Asher's 'Thirteen Reasons Why' and I had rated it 5 stars. Here is my short review about it on Goodreads.

So, yeah. No need to explain more.

For now, I will try to develop a more positive attitude instead of forever wallowing in self-deprecation and self-pity insya Allah.

Allah wants me to become a better person. He wants me to be strong so that I could serve my purpose in life. The purpose that made Him created me in the first place. He had given me all these tests as a method to mould and groom me to what I am supposed to become in the future. This might sound kind of exaggerated but somehow, I know that this is true.

I must be strong so that I could lend my strength to others. To inspire others in life.

For now, I must pray. I must be patient. I must have faith in Him. I must be strong. I must pray for Him to make me strong.

And I must remember this: Allah loves me, very very much. :) 

Of Books Bought and Loved

I mostly spent my monthly salary on

1. My parents. I give them 'allowances' every month, hahaha. It isn't much but hey, it's the thought that counts. :) 

2. Car instalment. It's good that I am using a 'National Car', instead of those imported ones whereby I have to fork out more than RM500 a month to pay. I love my car. xD

3. Phone bills. 

4. Petrol. ZzzzZzzz

5. Toll rates/ Touch and Go. 

Those are the 'wajib' stuffs. 

As for what is left for me to spend on myself, I had chosen to spend them on 

1. Books

2. Foods

When I was a school kid/teenager, I would spend my duit raya on books. I would ask my parents to buy me books for my birthdays and when I received good marks for my examinations. 

I love books so much. My mother is aware of this fact, that she once threatened not to renew my 'public library card' if I got 'demoted' to the second class at school at the end of the school year. This happened when I was 10. I was so scared. Hahahaha. 

But truth be told, books are expensive. They are considered as luxuries to my family. A good English book costs RM30+. I remember saving up the remainder of my daily school money of RM1.50 to buy a single paperback at the end of the month. My parents sometimes think that buying books (fictions, especially) is a waste of money. But they never skimped on my education though. To ensure that I got the best education (and good examination results, LOL), they had paid for many tuition classes, even hiring a private tutor for the subject I am most weak at (It's Prinsip Akaun! xD) 

So, during those 'jobless' days, I love to go to the bookstores and I just love looking at the books, looking at the prices, dreaming that one day, I could finally afford to buy them. And you know the MPH book catalogues that they usually give out during festive seasons like Hari Raya and Christmas? I love looking at those catalogues, ticking the books that I would love to buy, taking out my scientific calculator, calculating the total prices and just groaned in despair. Those were the days. :) 

But my mother was aware of my love towards the 'Harry Potter' series. In fact, she was the one who pre-ordered and paid for the Harry Potter Book 5,6 and 7. She was the one who accidentally fell down the stairs and hurt her knee in Singapore upon entering the bookstore there, just to search for the latest Harry Potter book. I didn't know that back then, that 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' had not been released yet. Hahaha. I was twelve okay. Twelve. 

As she came into my room, looking at the condition of my bookcase, so overloaded with books, it was her who bought a brand new, bigger bookcase to house those books. 

Just want to state the fact that my parents are not exactly Mr and Mrs Wormwood from 'Matilda'. Hahaha. 

So back then, because of the lack of 'funds' to buy new books, I would just read and reread my old books. And I would usually borrow books from the school library. I miss those days. 

Things started to changed though, when I began my foundation studies. As JPA scholars, we were each given RM1200 (or was it RM1500?) allowances every semester (4 months)! The amount might not seem a lot these days, but to me back then, it was the first time I had a lot of money of my own. I even had my first ATM card! 

The amount we received for our JPA allowances tripled as we started our degree, hehe. 

And naturally, I would spend them on books. I love the euphoric feeling of spending A LOT on books. 

Now, I had earned much more than what I had once received every semester during my foundation studies back then. This means more responsibilities to be undertaken. More bills to be paid but also, more books to be bought too!

The sad thing that is happening now is that I could afford to buy as many books as I want but I don't seem to have the time to read them all. :(

Anyway, this small 'obstacle' doesn't manage to stop me from buying more books, because books give me happiness! 

I remember coming back home from a really bad day at school. I looked at my the rows of books neatly lined along my bookshelf and thought "I have these many of books. I don't have any reason to be sad," and I got all cheered up again. 

Reading books make me a better person, I guess. I tend to be more empathetic, more imaginative, less judgemental. I know that I think differently from my friends and that sometimes they don't accept my ideas/notions. But I also know that it is okay to have different views on things. 

If only everyone would read books/fictions, then the world will be a better place to live in. 

I love my books. I had never sold any one of them, nor had any intention to do so because I know that those books are a part of my life. We had been together through thick and thins, in all those different phases of my life. and they had moulded me into becoming who I am today. 

One day, if my dream of becoming a book author really does come true, I hope that my books could give a sliver of hope to those who need it, that the characters in my stories could give courage and inspiration to the readers, and well, I hope that I could make good differences (even if it's just a slight difference, it doesn't matter) to the world and its people. 

Just like how the books I read had changed my life. Insya Allah. 

today

I clerked a patient at the ward today.  We had quite a meaningful conversation (at least for me). It all started when I asked him "Did you take any medications at home?" "Can you ask someone to bring the medications  to the hospital?"

And he said "Saya takde rumah," 

I was momentarily startled. And began to ask more: 

The subject of this conversation:
Male, age 40-50 plus, Indian Muslim. 

He said he reverted to Islam when he was young, because he fell in love with a Muslim girl.  The girl left him for another guy, and his mom got angry with him for converting  to Islam (and because that girl had left him). 

He stayed being a Muslim, but when he got married to a Indian Hindu woman, he couldn't  register his marriage legally (and islamically/syarak-wise of course) because they are of different  religions.  Anyway, they have children together. 

He said that his wife and children left him when he got sick and could no longer work. 

"Dulu waktu saya kerja bawak duit balik rumah semua orang suka sama saya,"

"Sekarang ini saya dah tak boleh kerja, tak ada duit semua orang tak suka saya, isteri tak mahu jaga saya,"

"Saya bagitau isteri, bapak you sakit you boleh jaga tapi suami sakit tak boleh jaga ke?"

"Anak saya marah saya. Dia cakap kenapa cakap dengan mak macam tu?"

"Anak saya pun bawak isteri saya duduk KL. Rumah sini dah jual,"

And I asked him "Encik tinggal dengan siapa sekarang?" 

"Saya tinggal tepi jalan la,"

Upon hearing this, I didn't  know what  to say apart from; 

"Sabar ye encik. Dugaan ni tuhan yang bagi. Dia nak uji encik,"

He nodded and replied "Saya tahu. Satu je saya doa sekarang,"

Pointing his finger up towards the ceiling, he said "Biarlah dia amik saya cepat-cepat,"

Seriously I was so sad. Tears began to form in my eyes. 

"Encik sembahyang tak sekarang?"

"Saya sudah lupa,"

"Nanti encik keluar hospital, encik pergi masjid, belajar sembahyang semua. Nanti kalau encik nak jumpa Allah, kena jumpa dalam keadaan yang baik semua,"

He nodded again and said "Ya, saya nak belajar balik sembahyang,"

"Encik tahu mengucap lagi tak?"

And he said yes.

"Baguslah encik tahu mengucap lagi. Kalau sekarang ni encik  tak tahu sembahyang, encik zikir banyak-banyak. Allah akan dengar,"

"Dunia ni sementara saja encik. Akhirat tu yang kekal. Biarlah semua orang benci kita asalkan Allah sayang kita,"

I left him before I could stop myself from shedding tears in front of him. I don't know  why am I being so sensitive nowadays. 

Sayangnya Allah kat hamba dia sampai bagi dugaan berat macam, ni sekali. 

Allah is reserving something for you in Jannah, encik. Insya Allah. 

Because every Muslim had been promised Jannah. Isn't  this good news enough for us to carry on with our daily lives, no matter how hard life is?