As said by Ten

The year 2016 marks the 26th year of me living on Earth (Not Gallifrey, LOL)  and what have I really achieved? Okay, let's minus the first 20 years of my life as I was clueless on what to do back then and just went with the flow. So, that leaves us with 6 years, and what have I done with these 6 years? 

(LOL of course I had achieved some things that I am proud of (like I got a well-paid job that I begin to love) but I couldn't just be complacent right? I want more. The Slytherin trait is strong in me. And Ravenclaw. Oh whatever. )

But then, I think I was still clueless at the age of 20 onward, and I still think I am a bit lost presently. But I had begun to see what the future holds, though it was quite ambiguous and vague, I'm slowly getting there. Let's hope it will become clearer and crystal clear as time passes by. 

I think the biggest mistake I had made in my life so far was that I was always in a rush towards getting things done and to achieve MANY of my dreams and that makes those dreams not getting achieved at all. Get what I mean? Simply said, I wanted too many things at the same time. 

But now that I had learned my lesson, I must take one step at a time. Pick a dream out of those numerous dreams. The number one dream. Work towards making it into a reality. Then move on to the second dream. Repeat. 

I often thought that it would be superb if I managed to achieve ALL of them when I was still young and energetic. I thought that becoming older might deter those dreams that I harbour. For example, I MUST learn and master the German language by 30. I pushed myself too hard, it gets boring and hard and eventually, I quit learning it and that I moved on towards achieving the next dream, which is to play drum. HAHA. Then the same thing happened. Those are just examples by the way. You can try to do many things at the same time. But consistency is the key towards success. And I am often inconsistent with my efforts. 

And I lost my train of thought, LOL. Well actually, the stuff that is on my mind is a bit personal to be written out here and read by the public. I'll just continue writing about it on my journal then. Okay, till then! 

Mixed up and Mashed up

In 2011, when Pottermore was introduced to the world, I got sorted into Ravenclaw. I was disappointed at first, as my preference back then was Gryffindor. 

But over the years, as I began to learn about my own traits and personalities, I began to discover more about myself and that I realized that I am indeed, more of a Ravenclaw than a Gryffindor. I identified with most of the traits of a Ravenclaw, as written in many articles and blogs that discussed the traits of the four houses of Hogwarts. 

5 years later, I decided to retake the sorting hat test to see whether I am still a Ravenclaw or whether my personalities changed over the years leading to the change in my Hogwarts House. 

And aha, I got Slytherin! Freaking Slytherin. I was dissatisfied. I know that Slytherins are those mostly ambitious lots who  craved for power and greatness. Even though I had to accept this bitter news, deep inside me, I know that it's true. I had grown ambitious over the years and after witnessing many bad things and injustice that happened around me and around the world, I feel so helpless, wishing that I have the power to change the world. 

I wasn't satisfied. I logged in with another email and I got, guess what? a Gryffindor. WHAT? Instead of being happy that I got sorted into a house that I initially have preference to, I felt sad to know that my 'Ravenclaw' personality is slowly slipping away from me, or is it not?

I finally did my third Sorting Hat test and got sorted to Ravenclaw pheww. 

But anyway, I guess my true traits lie somewhere between Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Wisdom and power if combined, could really make huge differences to this world, isn't it?

Anddd... JK Rowling had written about a new Magic School located in North America. The Ilvermony School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. 

I answered the questions and got sorted into Thorned Serpent. And I was disappointed. I really thought that I was a Slytherin through and through. Until I learned that Thorned Serpent has more of the characteristics of a Ravenclaw. Or that it combines the traits of both Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Well, that makes me satisfied.

Until I decided to log in to my old and first Hogwarts House- Ravenclaw and took the Ilvermony sorting test again. 

I got sorted into Thunderbird, which 'Represents the Soul' and 'Favours Adventures'. What, now I'm more like a Gryffindor now? Perhaps my current mood affected the result of this test. I am feeling rather homesick and rather sick of staying in this place. I want to go home. I need to escape. LOL. 

So, in conclusion, my personality is made up of 3 Hogwarts Houses combined which equal to 2 Ilvermony Houses. 

I am a Ravenclaw, a Slytherin and a Gryffindor. 

I am a Thorned Serpent and a Thunderbird. 

Based on the major traits of these houses, I am supposed to be someone intelligent, ambitious and adventurous. Well, I guess it's okay. Gotta live up to these traits I guess. Hahaha.

And five minutes later....

I took another Ilvermony quiz and I got sorted into Pukwudgie. Represents Heart. Favours Healers. LAUGH OUT LOUD.

THE END. 

Torchbearers Leading the Way

Mun, Fatin and I were on our way back to Pasir Puteh after meeting up with Ira in Kota Bharu. Along the way, we started having conversation about our life in CFS IIUM and IIUM Kuantan. We talked about the classes there, the lecturers, the ghost stories and many other fond memories we had in those two places that are special in our hearts. 

I talked about the miserable Taaruf Week held in June 2008, where we had to stand under the hot scorching sun, singing the 'CFS song' again and again as ordered by our merciless seniors, the taaruf committees. 

In fact, I still remember that one memorable week. 

It was my first time away from my family. I mostly spent the hours left crying. Crying in the car, crying in my great aunt's house, crying in the restaurant, crying when walking to the mahallah with my family members carrying my bags, crying when they bid me farewell, leaving me in a strange place with unfamiliar faces (NO ONE from my old school. NO ONE). 

I cried as I sorted out my stuffs in that tiny room of which I had to spend one year of my life in. I only stopped crying when my roommate entered my room, LOL. In short, it was a week of crying. Well, not really. I only cried on the first night there. I later made friends with many people and the feeling of homesickness slowly disappeared. 

Back to our conversation in the car. We tried to recall the lyrics of the CFS song. The opening line, the first sentence, to no avail. We only remembered the famous chorus "We are the Torchbearers for the Ummah, (for the Ummah!)" hahaha. 

Mun searched for the song on youtube and as soon as I heard the opening music, I began to sing "Let us come along and get together," to which Mun and Fatin exclaimed 'Aha! That's it!' and what do you know, the three of us sang the song together in the car with so much spirit, each of our mind playing the memories of our lives in CFS. 

Let us come along and get together

Affirm our faith in God and the Messenger

Light the flame of love in Him, warm and brighter

Hold the rope, and trust in Him forever

Divided we will (we’ll) fall, United we stand

Unity bears the fruit of unification

Triple I.C.E is ever our mission

Excellence in all we do is our vision

Chorus:-

We are the torchbearers, for the Ummah

Guided by the Qur’an and Sunnah

Foundation Centre of IIUM

Gateway to the Garden of Knowledge and Virtue

Divided we will (we’ll) fall, United we stand

Unity bears the fruit of unification

Triple I.C.E is ever our mission

Excellence in all we do is our vision

The music was so familiar, so close to our hearts.The lyrics greeted us like an old friend. It seemed like it was just moments ago that we gathered at the field in front of UKC for the Taaruf Week opening night, taking our bai'ah as fellow students of CFS IIUM. I remember walking from one place to another, rushing for the next class located at a different building, I remember our weekly trips to Jaya One, Metro Bus no 12 and City Liner no U95 taking us to Mid Valley Megamall. I remember studying for exams, the Al-Malik Faisal Hall usually being our main examination venue. I remember the Annex building, the library, the tiring hike up to the 4th floor of Mahallah Zainab after coming back from an outing, the infamous Pakcik Guard Misai, LOL. 

The song ended. We smiled in satisfaction. But we were not done reminiscing the memories yet. I searched for the IIUM Main Campus song. "Leading the Way' and played it for the three of us to sing. 

I love this song. The first time I sang it was during the Opening Night of Taaruf Week held in the auditorium of Kulliyyah of Medicine. They showed the video clip of this song, of which a scene shows an IIUM graduate receiving the scroll from the Chancellor on stage during convocation. I didn't know why I felt  attracted to that one particular scene. The way the song weaved in with that scene made me felt so inspired. I was only about to start my first year degree and yet I couldn't wait for the day where I will finally graduate from IIUM with my Bachelor of Pharmacy. 

And the last time we sang this song was during our convocation day. Us in our convocation robes, marching into the hall with our parents proudly smiling at the sight; for after 4 years, we had finally finished our degree and had officially graduated as students of IIUM! In fact, as we were the only degree holders on that day (the rest being the Masters' Degree holders),we were the ones who sang this song the loudest and with most gusto. It was such a beautiful song. 

So, presently, 2 years after the convocation (with one year plus of harrowing working experiences), the three of us sang this song again. 

Lets lead the way

Enlighten the future

Share the wisdom

Through the spirit of Islam

Revelation and Reason

We shall excel, we shall prevail

Merging faith and knowledge

We 're the khalifah

We will fulfill the Amanah

Chorus:

Together,

We make the world a better place

Forever,

Expand the culture of Iqra

IIUM,

Is to realise, the meaning of

Rahmatan lil-Alamin

I don't know why. My eyes got all watery as I sang this verse. And I realised I wasn't alone. Mun suddenly started shedding her tears, overwhelmed by this familiar old feeling and the beauty of the very meaningful lyrics. I was surprised. I laughed at first. But tears started streaming down my cheeks too. We finished the song. 

Together,

We make the world a better place

Forever,

Expand the culture of Iqra

IIUM,

Is to realise, the meaning of

(Mercy to all the worlds)

For all mankind

After 2 years leaving UIA, we had finally realized the meanings of this song. Singing this song again reminded us of the amanahs that had been entrusted upon us, beginning with the taaruf week when we started our journey as IIUM students there and finally during the convocation day, when we were officially leaving IIUM to serve the mankind (as what this song denotes) armed with what IIUM had taught and given us. This song keeps on reminding us of who we are, the purpose of our journey, the meaning of being an IIUM student. 

Life after graduation is really different from life as a student of IIUM. I miss the sheltered environment we had back then. Almost everyone was treating everyone with kindness and respect, no bullying whatsoever, no cases of double standards or discrimination. At least, not that I had heard of or experienced. But in the working life, I have to admit, you have to be emotionally and physically strong. You are no longer a student. You have to make your own decisions, you have to face your own problems. Your parents couldn't help you if you have problems at work, your lecturers are not there to guide you. You will encounter many sorts of people from different backgrounds, with different attitudes that might irk you sometimes, those people who looked at you differently just because you have different opinions on what is right or wrong (you know, being an IIUM student and such, people might perceive you as being narrow-minded). Whether you like it or not, you have to be strong, force yourself to be strong and take up the challenges that life had thrown towards you. 

You will feel stressed and frustrated when things don't go in your way. You will feel that other people are being unfair, what's with you doing most of the job and them, just relaxing and goyang kaki most of the time. 

With you once being an IIUM student, you might have a different perception towards life. You believe in the concept of 'Keberkatan'. Whatever you do, you must do it right. You must not slack off. You must come to work on time. You must not cheat. You will rather own up and face the consequences of your mistakes rather that lying about it. You were paid to do your job. It's okay if everyone else didn't do much as you did, but you have to do it anyway, because you don't want the salary that is given to you every month be tainted with 'Ketidakberkatan', meaning that Allah is not pleased with you. 

You must learn to accept that this world is not perfect. The same goes with everything in it. The people, the workplace. You can't change others. But you have to stick to your own principles and identities. You are an IIUM graduate. Your university had given you the amanah to change the world. For you to spread the good virtues of Islam and to fulfil the purpose of your existence, which is to become a Khalifah on Earth. 

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever you feel emotionally tired or  physically drained, remember the amanah that had been given to you. The amanah that Allah had commanded you to fulfil. That is your goal in life. 

As we reached home, we talked about how grateful we are, to had been studying in IIUM.  

I am very grateful for this. I don't know who will I end up as, if I were to go to other places (like overseas, maybe? Perhaps Allah had known that my iman back then wasn't strong enough for me to resist the temptation of life outside and so He didn't grant me the chance to study there back then). IIUM had moulded me to become someone better, inside out. The strict rules that were once so strange and foreign to us had now become our everyday norms. For example, wearing socks to cover your feet whenever you went outside, and wearing tudung that covers your chest when what you usually did back then at school was just to 'selempang' your tudung right and left. And oh, wearing handsocks too. Not forgetting to observe the ikhtilat between the brothers and sisters. There were various posters on this issue back in UIA, LOL. 

I miss walking to the mosque for prayers, and to join the usrahs, talks and forums that act as supplements to our souls. I really miss this kind of environment. I really do. IIUM is the place where I learned to know and get closer to my Creator, to the point of experiencing the feeling of loving Him. (But you must be consistent in your effort to experience and gain this love. Iman asyik naik turun, you know). The place that taught me to be fully dependent on Him, the place where I experienced his Love and Him answering my prayers and pleas. When I was at school, I never thought that I would go to IIUM, until I did. 

My brother had mostly bad experiences in IIUM, but I'm glad that I had mostly experienced sweet memories there. 

So come on torchbearers, remember the amanah. And let's lead the way! May our Iman keeps on increasing and may our heart never wavers from remembering Him. Ameen. 

Second Post from GM

Life in GM is quite a mundane one, and most weekends are mainly spent in my room, doing various activities an introvert usually do, like reading, writing, reading again, watching and re-watching favourite series on my battered 8 years old laptop. 

There isn't much to do here. Fatin and I would usually roam around Econjaya or TMG, the two closest things you could call a mall here, LOL. Our favourite activities include wandering aimlessly inside Watsons and coming out from there with our hands full of various beauty products and makeups, and just talking about life and various other random things. 

At least I am grateful that I have my UIA friends here with me. 

There is a small public library here, of which I hadn't visited yet. This place is an hour away from Cameron Highlands. GM is originally inhabited by the aboriginals, many of them are still living deep in the suburbs with no electricity. GM is located 3 hours away from KB, and the closest town is Kuala Krai, located one and a half hours away. 

I'm currently working in the hospital as a ward/clinical pharmacist. I love my job so far, and it's definitely better than my life as a PRP in Penang. There are some issues here and there, but I am learning not to complain too much about what couldn't be changed (eg. people's attitudes and work ethics) and just focus on what I can change. 

It's sad to realize that I now have less interest in blogging and that I had ran out of things to talk about. I remember the early days of blogging, where I registered anything interesting that happened to me during the day, thinking that it would be a good topic for blogging, even constructing the sentences in my head before I went to my room and typed those sentences on my laptop. 

And I feel lazy to upload pictures to my blog. LOL. 

Is it true that the blogging era is over? Most famous bloggers I know had stopped blogging but continued to spread their legacies and popularity through other social network sites such as instagram and snapchat, mostly the former. 

As for me, I do admit that I had been blogging quite rarely as compared to the old days, but it doesn't mean that I had stopped writing entirely. I had instead chosen to express my innermost thoughts onto paper, where only I can read and reflect on what had been written. This is safer and I feel happier. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I had reverted back to the conventional method of documenting my daily life, which is by writing on my journals. 

But fear not for the possibility of me shutting down this blog. This blog is precious to me. I shall continue to write on this blog, whenever I feel inspired to, haha. 

That's all for now. Adieu! 

Live from GM

Assalamualaikum and a very good day I bid to all.
It seems that I have not been updating this blog for about 2 months already.

Here it goes. 

Selamat Hari Raya Puasa everyone!

I had a very memorable and enjoyable Hari Raya this year, with the road trip all the way from GM (my new workplace) then to Selangor ( my grandaunt's house for buka puasa) Negeri Sembilan (stayed for a night at another grandaunt's house), crossing the historical state of Melaka, heading south to Mersing Johor (stayed for a night) then off to Singapore (and spending the last three days of puasa and the next 4 days of hari raya there).

I love these roadtrips. The roads and highways heading to the south are generally not as busy and jammed as those heading to the east coast or the north. Our car would cruise smoothly throughout the journey with us singing along to the classic Hari Raya songs blaring from the radio.

The thing about my new workplace and how am I coping with my new life so far, I will reserve it for some other times. 

Currently using the lunch break to type this blog post using the pharmacy's desktop. I don't have wifi at my house here and I mainly communicate with others using the slow Mobile data I have on my phone. My 8 years old laptop (and counting!) does not have a well- functioning speaker thus I could only watch movies/films with subtitles lol. So I mostly spent my time reading and writing (wait for my novel!) 

Speaking of reading, I had ordered a number of books from @bookaliciousmy before the raya holiday. When I went back to work a week later, I was delighted to see my parcel had arrived, sitting majestically on the table waiting for me. 

So beautifully wrapped! It's like a birthday present to myself. 

Them  books 

Currently reading Sylvia Plath's 'The Bell Jar'. Almost finished it and I love it so far. 

All right, that's all from me. Will try to update more frequently! 

While in Korea

It was on the 29th of April 2016.
My friends and I were at the subway station, charging our phones at the toilet (yes!) and also waiting for another to finish her Zuhur prayer somewhere at the deserted area there.
She finished her Zuhur prayer and the three of us went out when she suddenly said

"Aku dapat Pahang! Yaay yaay yaaay!"

Blood quickly rushed through my veins. I was stunned. What, the FRP posting result is out already? Why now? It was so unexpected! KKM, how could you do this to me? Why won't you leave me to enjoy my second last day in Korea IN PEACE and HAPPINESS? Why couldn't you wait until I return home to Malaysia and all its realities that I had been dreading to face? I had been living in dreams and fantasies when I was in Korea. I was that happy throughout my stay there, yes!

I checked for the result through my phone. Now why the internet suddenly went so slow? I checked using my tab. Also, very slow! Gahhh! So, Syau lent me her phone. With a cheeky grin, she said she wanted to check for me. No! I exclaimed! I need to find out by myself.

So I typed my IC number and...

Tempat Melapor Diri: Jabatan Kesihatan Negeri Kelantan.

KELANTAN? I got FREAKING KELANTAN?

I was sad, I almost cried. I didn't cry. I almost cried. The tears don't even flood my eyes yet.

It was a mixture of unexpectedness and me expecting it all along.

I mean, I know that I wouldn't get Kedah as rumour has it that there is no more vacancy/post for Pegawai Farmasi there. I had at least hoped that I would get Perak, my second choice of state. But no.

KKM had decided to send me to Kelantan.

 We went out from the subway and reached a place I couldn't recall what it is as I was too flooded with emotions. I almost cried. But I didn't cry. I repeat: I didn't cry. YET. Oh wait, until now, I haven't even cried properly yet. Perhaps I'd cry myself to sleep tonight. Hahaha.

So, that's it. The moment of truth. I finally got called to serve as a Fully Registered Pharmacist in a state far away from my hometown. I am no longer a floater or a PRP. I am scared of the responsibilities I'm about to shoulder.

I'm not really blaming or complaining. Some had it worse. They got posted to Sabah and Sarawak. But somehow, deep inside me, I thought that I'd like to get Sabah or Sarawak instead. But never mind, Allah knows best.

It's just that you know, I'm sad. The feeling of sadness is inevitable. The thought that I'm going to stay far away from my family and the comfort of my own home, to rent a house and lead a totally independent life, the loneliness, to make new friends and adapt myself to the new working environment, it is too exhausting to even think of all that.

But there is one thing that kept me from crying. I have many friends in Kelantan. Kelantan is...not so bad. My father had once worked in Kelantan for several years. My friends said that I could save a lot of money when I'm in Kelantan as the cost of living there is cheaper as compared to living in Penang or Selangor.

Also, I know that Allah is the Best Planner. I know that He will protect me. I had prayed that wherever it is I got posted to, please let my life there be much much better than my life now in this particular hospital I had served as a PRP. Perhaps Allah had answered my prayer. Whatever it is, have faith in Him. Put your trust in Him.

Sure, it will be hard at first. But then, everything is hard in the beginning. I used to have a very difficult and depressing life when I first became a PRP but look at me now, I survived my PRP! I am now an FRP!

So, it's only a year. I have to survive for another one year, then I'd apply to change to Kedah again. Or Perak. Again, whatever it is, Allah is always with me.

In case you're wondering why didn't I just appeal to KKM for me to get transferred to Kedah or Perak?
Well, let's see.
1. My KPF and Pengarah Hospital wouldn't sign the appeal letter (it happened to my friend last time. So looking at her situation back then, I had made a mental preparation to just accept whatever that had been given to me as there is zero chance of me to actually think of appealing).
2. I wouldn't get Kedah or Perak as I have no strong and valid reason to convince KKM to let me transfer. My friend has a father who is ill, she even attached the medical letters/references from the doctors to support her reason and yet, KKM refused to entertain her request. In the end, to Kelantan she went!
3. It's Kelantan. In Peninsular Malaysia. Even though it's about 6 hours away from home if you drive through the dangerous route of Lebuh Raya Timur Barat.

So, yes. To Kelantan I shall go! It's okay, like I said, I have many friends living in the East Coast Area (Kelantan, Terengganu, Pahang). And many of my friends from Kedah and Selangor got 'campak-ed'  there too.

My parents hoped that I'd get Kota Bharu or Pasir Puteh, as both are located near to the airport. I hope I'd get Kota Bharu too.
But somehow, I have had enough of night shifts and weekend shifts. So if I get posted to a Klinik Kesihatan, then it would be okay too. Never mind. Allah knows best.

On another note, it's hard to believe that my time in that hospital has finally come to its end! I'd be spending 3 more days there and I'm intending to get rebellious. Hahahaha. Nope. Not a chance.

I had been watching a very inspirational Thai movie titled 'Teacher's Diary'. It's the story of how a teacher got posted to a rural area and how she was coping with all the difficulties faced and at the same time, managed to inspire her students.

Perhaps, instead of writing a personal diary, I could just post about my adventures there on this blog! Let's hope there's internet la. Hahaha.

For those who wanted to read about my Korea trip, stay tuned. I'll try to post everything before I report my duty in Kelantan next week.It made me smile, thinking about my Korea trip. I had such a great time there. I think I had been bitten by the travel bug which leads to me lusting to travel and wander to many places. I need to go there again. I had fallen in love with Seoul. But I'm thinking of going to Jeju and Busan next year, or Tokyo, Japan. So I gotta start saving from now! Perhaps Kelantan is the answer! Hahaha.

EDIT: apparently, sewa rumah kat Kelantan is also mahal. Pffttt... 

Okay cheerios!

From 2007-2016

I had grown up with this blog. 

I had grown up writing stuffs on this blog. 

The years from 2007 to 2016 had witnessed my various transitions

2007- I was just 17 when I created this blog. It was in December 2007, a few weeks after I had finished my last paper for SPM. Blogging seems cool (It still is). Back then, I didn't care much about what people think of me when they are reading what I had written. I was free to just express my feelings without restriction. Blogging was much so fun back then, when you had other friends who blogged as well. Those were the days when there were no Twitter or Instagram. Only a number of us have a facebook account, while most used Friendster or MySpace. Those were the days of spamming the cboxes in other people's blogs, the days of blogwalking. Those were the days of doing online quizzes and posting the results on your blog. Hahaha. 

2008- 2010 I received my SPM result. Contemplating which path to take next. And I ended up pursuing my foundation studies in CFS IIUM, PJ, which also means the beginning of a totally new life for me, where I had to learn to survive on my own and be independent. It was my first time staying far from my family. I cried a lot at first, and I survived, thanks to many friends I've made, and experiences I've garnered. There were bitter moments, yet there were more sweet memories made. Those were the golden years of this blog, whereby I would write a post at least once a week. Those were the days where there were no WiFi, and when I had the sudden, intense desire to write a blog post, I would head out to the Cyber Cafe, paying 50 cent for 15 minutes just to write a blog post using the super slow internet available there (Internet Dial-Up). 

2010-2014 A new life in IIUM Kuantan. A new life as a B.Pharm student. I love those 4 years spent in UIA, as those years were very fruitful indeed. I managed to maintain my academic performance up to a certain acceptable level (LOL) and I was also quite active in various co-curricular activities. I was the Quiz Moderators, the emcees for various events, the Editor for my society's magazine, the official correspondent aka journalist for IIUM-New Straits Times' 'The Torch', the committee of the YearBook, I had participated in various games and volunteer activities. Simply said, I had done many things. I didn't regret any of it. And oh, I made many friends as well. 

2015 till 2016. Graduated. I am no longer a student, but now, a working adult with a lot of responsibilities. I braved through the hardship of the PRP year of which, I can now said, had made me grown resilient and stronger. Again, I had made real, true friends who are always there with you during your moments of hardship, the ones who had seen you cried, the ones whom you always had fun with. 

I had created a new blog. But somehow, writing there doesn't feel the same. The new blog seems like a stranger, to which you had doubts and uncertainties over pouring out your feelings towards it. While this blog, this blog had seen me in my times of weaknesses and strength, of sadness and happiness. It had seen my imperfections but while it knows that it is not a good thing to show your imperfections for others to read, it knows that those that happened in the past, stayed in the past. Those mistakes and imperfections make up who I am today, as I had tried my best to learn from those mistakes to become a better person every day. 

Maybe I'd continue blogging until I'm old and wrinkled, perhaps until the day I die. Who knows, if I managed to become a famous person someday, this blog would serve as my legacy. HAHAHA. Dream on. 

Happiness

As I grow older, I realized that the most important thing for me to achieve is 'happiness'.

It is easy to find happiness that lasts for a short time. For example, I found temporary happiness in:  

- watching my favourite drama/movie

- reading a book

- spending time with my friends

- being with my family members

- having a vacation/day off

But once I returned back to my usual state of not doing all those things, I feel lonely, and sad. 

I know that it's easy to find happiness that is temporary. I somehow understand the feeling of people who resorted towards drinking alcohol or taking drugs. They have this hollow inside them. They need something to fill up the emptiness. They usually have problems, and they tried to distract themselves from thinking about these problems by temporarily numbing their minds by many routes of escapism. 

After the transient state of happiness went away, they got frustrated. They continued the same cycles of abusing themselves with alcohol and drugs (sometimes, women) as a desperate attempt to seek the happiness that they had once felt, to find the happiness that had abruptly left them. 

I have this belief that everything every single person does eventually leads to the same goal: to obtain happiness.

A person works hard to get money because he believes that when he has more money, he will be happier. 

A woman tried her best to beautify her appearance because she believes that when she is beautiful, everyone will like her. 

And the list goes on. 

What can we do to achieve an eternal happiness? Happiness that will continue to exist inside us, of which we can carry everywhere we go regardless of what is happening in our surrounding? It is not easy to maintain a state of happiness in this world, that is never ending with its series of trials and tribulations. 

First of all, we must understand that happiness does not exist in worldly things. Stop getting too attached to things or people we classified as our sources of happiness. I do not mean to be pessimistic but, worldly things will ultimately stay in this world. They are temporary, just like this world. They give temporary happiness. They will leave us someday. It's not wrong to say that your family is one of the reasons for you being happy. But like I said, they will leave you someday, or you, leaving them. 

Secondly and most crucially,  we must have this belief that only Allah has the key towards happiness. Even when you are in your lowest of iman and in desperate need for help, bear in mind that only by returning to Allah will you achieve your happiness again. Why is that so? Allah is the As-Salaam. The Source of Peace. "… Only in the remembrance of Allah can the heart find peace." (Qur'an, 13:28) 

So cry your heart out. Open your heart towards Allah. Let Him hear your pleas. He is the As-Sami, the Hearer of All. Just have this faith that no matter where you are, He is always there by your side. He is your Guardian (al-Muhaymin), your protector, someone you could rely on. All these time you had forgotten Him, He is always there, He is your Friend who is always protecting you (Al-Wadud). You were not aware of His presence, as your heart is so heavily tainted with sins. But trust me, once you decided to return to Him, the shroud of sins that had once acts as a barrier between you and your Loving creator will be lifted, and you will finally realize that He is always there all this while. He had never forsaken you. 

Continue to build your relationship with Allah. Don't let anything sever this ties. When you realized that you had moved to the wrong side of the path, steer yourself back towards Him. Like a loving mother, He will always be there to embrace you and guide you to the right path, no matter how sinful you think you are. 

Repeat these steps. And again, most importantly,wherever you are, whatever situation you are in, remember that Allah is always with you. Bring Him inside your heart everywhere you go (metaphorically speaking of course). 

Only then will you find the eternal happiness that you had always coveted. 

Asmaa- al Husna is really great. You could learn a lot of things about Allah just by reading about the meaning behind His 99 beautiful names. And you could find comfort from those names, knowing that you have someone who is so powerful for you to rely on. 

All by Myself

I had always considered myself to be an ambivert, rather than to exclusively categorize myself in the other two extreme sides- introvert or extrovert.

But really, the more time I spent knowing myself, the more I realized that I am more of an introvert rather than an ambivert or extrovert.

In the morning when I wake up to drive myself to work, I cherish the 30-40 minutes journey cruising along the hallway, listening to Steve and Shaz's Lite Breakfast Section or simply singing along to songs I know the lyrics of. 

Most of the time I would just silently drive and had a lot of thinking. A moment of self-reflection, which includes devising the strategies that I shall employ to survive another day at work, my future plan, my so-called problems and the problems of others, the ideas of my books and many more. 

When I came back from work, particularly after facing a rough day, I would usually stop by the petrol station, bought a can of cold coffee latte and just sit in my car, listening to the songs on the radio and again, trying to mend myself back together. I had done the same thing when I was in university. Whenever I got stressed up with my studies or anything, I would go to the canteen, bought myself a coffee and just sat there. Alone. Amidst the large crowd there who were waiting for their dinner to be ready. 

Sometimes I would head up to Secret Recipe and get myself an ice-blended green tea or an ice-blended caramel coffee. Caffeine, I learned, really helps in reducing stress- in my case. I would then sit in the cafe, reading a book while sipping the drink. 

I also love to eat by myself. In the university, I often ordered a large dinner at the cafe. Then I'd just pick a secluded spot where I could just enjoy my meal and read the Adventures of TinTin comics. 

Books are great companies! 

So after coming back from work, I went to Pizza Hut or KFC and just ordered whatever meals. If i weren't reading books, I would just observe my surrounding, thinking, reflecting, people-watching. 

I especially love going to the bookstore alone. Walking from one shelf to another, I would inspect each titles, longingly and lovingly stroke them as what a cat lover would do to the cats. Sometimes, I would walk out of the shop empty handed but there were times where I was inclined to spend something on books. I might not finish reading them, but I love to collect them. 

Some of my friends couldn't understand how on earth could I manage to roam the shopping complex by myself or worse, watching a movie at the cinema all alone. Watching a horror movie, to top it off. A friend even said "Sarah, nanti nak pergi mana-mana, bagitahu je kitorang. Kesian pergi sorang-sorang,". To which I just laughed. I couldn't seem to find the 'kesian' part. 

But I don't know. I have learned to enjoy my own company. I enjoyed having conversations with myself. I enjoy to do something without getting interrupted by people around me. 

But I do know my limits. Being a girl, I am more exposed to the bad things of this world. I dare not to go to any secluded, strange places alone. I would have never dreamed of becoming a solo backpacker. 

If I were a guy, I might just impulsively book a ticket to somewhere for the weekend and just enjoy myself there, alone, just like what my brother did.  In fact, there are many things I wish to do if I were a guy. But never mind, I am a girl. A woman. 

For now, going to the shopping mall alone is the most I could do. 

But at the same time, I do enjoy the company of others. I dislike being in crowded places filled with unfamiliar faces. I love spending time with my siblings and my close group of friends. But it's not like I am totally dependant on having people to spend time with. I am totally contented with spending time with myself, thank you very much. 

So there. I guess I'm about 90% introvert and 10% extrovert? I feel like reading Susan Cain's 'Quiet'. Perhaps I would find people who are the same as I am. 

The Kampung Memories

I was waiting for my parents at a restaurant. More of a habit rather than out of boredom, I took out my phone and began flipping through the images in my Gallery. Those photos mostly consisted of patients' data, different doses of Tinzaparin given according to body weight, ward check photos, some random-photos-I-took-and-thought-to-post-them-on-instagram-but-later-decided-not-to-and...

a picture of my uncles, aunts, late Opah and my parents all sitting in one circle, talking to each other at the'family area' of my Opah's wooden kampong house. At the background, one could see the children sleeping on mattresses out in the open, with no walls or bedrooms to separate the sleeping areas. This was taken when I was in primary school, which was about more than 15 years ago.

I was struck by good old memories and reminiscences of my childhood. Till now, I had always been proud and happy to say that I had lived a fulfilling childhood, having the best of both Kampong world from my father's side and modern world, having lived in the city since I was born.

When my siblings and I were young, my parents would often take us to the kampung during school holidays. I distinctly remember my father parking his car in front of the balai raya and off we would cross a wooden bridge over the river that separates the main kampung road and the area of which my Opah's house is situated. The wooden bridge was so frail and narrow to permit heavy vehicles to tread upon it.

In fact, I also remember the time when the bridge was destroyed during a heavy downpour that in the end, we all had to cross the river to get to my kampung. Upon crossing the river, we had to hike up a bit over an ascending ground which later brought us the familiar view of my aunt's house in front, my Opah's house in the far left and my Moyang's house next to it.

It was a wooden structure built on stilts, with two extensions at the front and at the left constructed on the ground.

We would often walk to the left side of the house, knocked on the door and there was a clay buyung that collects rainwater for us to wash our feet before entering the house. A view of the Ruang Tamu and the kitchen greeted us. On our left, there are numerous old-fashioned racks built to store crockery and other household items. On our right, a dangerously steep wooden staircase with widely spaced rungs with no railing for us to hold on to our dear life leads to the upstairs.

This dangerous staircase had stood witness to many of my cousins injuring themselves when playing and descending down from it. A concrete pangkin covered with rubber mat was constructed next to the staircase, an ideal place for the folks to have an afternoon chit-chat over kopi and pisang goreng.

Upstairs, there were 3 rooms, only one of which is properly used as the bedroom for my uncle and aunt who is living there while the other two just served as store rooms. I remember the existence of a big old-fashioned 4-poster steel bed in one of the rooms. When the relatives came, we would all gather at the wide living space outside those rooms. At night before bed, mattresses would be taken out and spreaded on different corners of the area. Each mattress would usually be occupied by the members of the same family although I'd usually chose to sleep with my Opah and female cousins. We were very young back then so aurat wasn't an issue for us.

The floorboards would creak when we walked on it while the whole house would shake if any of the younger cousins ran across the area during a tag game. This would lead them being reprimanded, to which they later played in silence.

On the walls, my Opah had hung  handcrafted decorations made from empty vitagen bottles I had consumed when I was a child. My family and I lived in Penang back then. My Opah stayed with us for a while and during that period, she would collect every single vitagen bottles that I had consumed, washing them and threading the together into a big flower shape decoration. This simple act touched my heart till this very day. Perhaps she wanted to make a memory of me, or perhaps she was struck with creativity at that time she saw those vitagen bottles.

I especially enjoy the time when it was raining whereby I'd sit in front of the tall traditional window and looked outside at the rainwater falling down to the land, creating puddles of mud water. The geese quacked and seeked shelter under the wooden houses. The sound of the pitter-pattering on the zinc roof had a calming effect rather that it being irritating or annoying.

It got better at night. The cold wind seeped through the cracks of the wood, lulling us to sleep. The house was dimly lit by the white candles and burning mosquito-repellants coils. The crickets sang in harmony in throughout the darkness of the night. It was rather peaceful, and there wasn't any worry of whether there would be thieves or intruders.

Morning came. The once quiet house was stirred with the sound of its residents waking up by one. The young ones were allowed to sleep while the older cousins were ushered to wake up and perform the subuh prayer. Mattresses were rolled up and kept inside the room.

Our childhood activities included bathing in the river in the afternoon, playing hide and seek, roleplaying and many other activities that did not include anything electronics.

Soon, it was time to return to the city. Everything was packed up and we were ready to go. As we were about to descend the ground to cross the river, I looked behind and waved to my Opah who was sitting on the staircase of my great-grandmother's house. She looked sad. So was I. But I was immediately cheered up by the thought that in the next few months, she would come to visit us in the city and live with us before going back to her own home in the kampung.

My Opah passed away in 2005 and since then, there was no such gathering of relatives held in that house.

In 2014, we went back to the kampung to meet our eldest aunt there. The river was still there. A sturdy concrete bridge was built over it which allowed cars to pass through. I walked to the old house and my heart was filled with moments of nostalgia. Everything still looks the same. The house stood dilapidated over the years. My great-grandmother's house stood empty next door. We sat in the car as Dad drove through the village. When we were all much younger, those houses were all occupied. I remember opened windows, opened doors, elderly people lounging outside the house. I also remember a lady sitting on the wooden staircase in front of her house. Now, all those visions were replaced by the sights of abandoned houses, with overgrown bushes covering the ground.

Dad chanted the name of the people who once lived in those houses, all of which had now left the world. The once bustling kampung where everyone knows everybody is now left to decay.

We could not blame anyone though. It is just a small village, and people moved out to seek better life and opportunities, as compared to living a simple life in the kampung. Time has changed. One day, my beloved kampung might not even exist anymore.

I shall not lament for the past, as it had been good for me. I shall not cry because my childhood days had long left me now that I am now an adult. It is time to move on. Like what Dr Seuss had said "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened,".

All in all, I am glad I had had the experience of living in the kampung, as not many friends my age had the chance to do so, so as most of the kids of current and future generations.

Still a Padawan.

Today's major highlight: 

Yup, ladies and gentlemen. I had bought the Obi-Wan Kenobi blue lightsaber! The very one that I had long coveted since I embarked into the fandom in 2012. 

My brother Haziq on the other hand, bought the green Luke Skywalker lightsaber. Now, we're trying to persuade Syafiq to buy Darth Vader's red one. Or Kylo Ren's hahaha. 

Haziq and I had a lightsaber fight just now. My sister commented that I had tbis aggressive look on my face when I was fighting, lol. This lightsaber is of the medium price range; the cheapest being the bladebuilders extendable series (no light/sound effect though) and the most expensive are the ones from the Force Fx series, if I'm not mistaken. 

The lightsaber is made from hard translucent plastic. It's not exactly PVC. But it's strong enough to withstand any excessive force used during a lightsaber duel.  It's really strong, trust me, I accidentally knocked it really hard against my (made of steel) bedpost when I was practising some lightsaber fighting moves and there isn't even a single scratch, what's more a crack! A good value for money, right? That's why you should always buy the originals. 

Gotta learn all those lightsaber skills from youtube. Hahaha. 

Sure, a real Jedi builds his/her own lightsaber, but I ain't got time for that. :P 

Also, I'm gonna have to watch all those Star Wars movies again, especially the prequels as they have awesome lightsaber fighting scenes. I love the prequels, there, I said it. 

I'm thinking of rewatching The Force Awakens again at the cinema. I especially love the moment Rey used the force to pick up the lightsaber. Not much of a spoiler pun, don't whine! 

3 more weeks till I finally and officially finished my PRP yaay! It's unbelievable how this one year of tortures is finally coming to its end. Pheww...

Remember

I will never forget how badly me and my friends were being treated by them there. Never.

I will never forget all those moments they made me feel bad and succumbed into crying. I will never forget the copious amount of tears I shed throughout this miserable PRP year. And the depression I had to go through.

I would never give them the glory of saying "All these made me stronger" but instead, I will say "Having received all those bad treatments made me realize that I should always treat everyone with kindness regardless of their positions, backgrounds, age, race or religion". I pray that I will not turn out to be like any of you whom I greatly despised. 

And that in this working life, I had had a good judgment of their characters, based on what Queen Rowling had said " If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals". I know that we were treated like dirts. 

I'm not sure whether I would readily forgive you people. 

Be rest assured that not all apples in the same basket are rotten. Those who had so kindly and patiently guided me, those who are like the lights that lit the darkness, thank you very much. You guys are an inspiration. 

To those rotten ones, someday we'll cross paths again, but by that time, I am no longer your inferior, or even equal, but I will be someone superior. I don't know how this will happen, but life has some plot twists of its own. We don't know what will happen in the future. 

I will never forget. 

2 more months to go. And probably one month as a floater. Hope I'll never be working with any of them in the future.

Reminder

I'm writing this post today to remind myself that being a PRP is so emotionally, mentally and physically exhaustive. 

It's also to remind myself that working at the hospital requires a great deal of perseverance and stamina (mentally, emotionally, physically). 

I want to remind myself not to forget how I am being treated by the people over there, and to never have anything to do with any of them ever again. I don't want to ever meet any of them again once I had finished my PRP year. 

If getting posted to Sg.Petani means that I have to go through any of the things I had experienced during my PRP year, or to meet any of the people I despised over there, then no thanks. 

I'm thinking of working at Klinik Kesihatan (if I managed to get posted there). 

Oh yes, I want to remind myself to rethink about my decision to choose ward supply as my department of choice for my FRP period. 

I am so tired. Hahaha. 

I realized that I had developed a passion for learning. 

Having my mother as a teacher, I too, realized that I found great joy in teaching others and sharing knowledge with them.

Many of my friends foresee me becoming a lecturer someday in the future. They said I have that 'lecturer's vibe', LOL. 

Though many of my FRPs would laugh and scoff at this very idea. I didn't exactly give a stellar performance throughout my PRP training. Oh well, they don't know who I really am. The same goes with my friends at the hospital. We are very good friends, of course. But they don't really know who I am. They don't know what my dreams are. They don't even know I love reading and writing. It's my fault too, of course. I was too busy complaining on how hard the life of a PRP is. LOL. 

I miss doing real research of my own interest ( a topic I developed by myself) at the LABORATORY. 

I really questioned my decision to stay becoming a hospital pharmacist right after I had seen the tightly packed duty roster for December. My friend suddenly said "Sarah, let's become lecturers in UIA!" 

I don't know about UIA. It's too far from home. 

One thing for sure. I'm going to become an academician. 

That's it! I'm going to stop becoming a hospital pharmacist right after I had finished my one year of FRP (1+1 compulsory service) and then I'm going to apply for Masters (Pharmaceutical Chemistry/Pharmacology/Medicinal Chemistry/or maybe Clinical Pharmacy oh wait I hate going for ward rounds so I'm going to cancel it out from my options),  become a lecturer, then apply for PhD, become an assistant professor, then associate professor, and finally become a Professor. Then I can win a Nobel Prize for my breakthrough discovery in the world of drugs, LOL. 

Hey, daydreaming really helps to overcome your feeling of sadness and hopelessness.

Two and a half months to go, then sayonara PRP life! Wouldn't wanna miss you! Ever! 

Bye..

Remedies

I am trying hard to suppress my annoyance and irritation towards really simple things. Blame the hormones on that.

Is there any remedy to tone down this feeling? 

Chocolates wouldn't help. I've tried. 

The perfect thing to do would be to just isolate myself from everyone and just read a book or in this case, write. 

So, done with clinical. I love this 2nd clinical rotation, where I got attached to the Pediatrics Ward. I actually enjoyed working and discussing stuffs with my very knowledgeable and inspiring preceptor, and I actually enjoyed doing ward rounds! LOL

At the beginning, I was scared to join the specialist, the MOs and the HOs for ward rounds as I was afraid of them asking me questions that I could not answer.

But they (the specialist, MOs, HOs) had been so nice to me so far. They acknowledged my presence as a pharmacist there, and the fact that they actually thought of asking questions to this mere PRP (even when my awesome FRP was in the same cubicle-but clerking patients in different bed) brings such an honour to me. LOL.

I learned a lot of thing, and I realised that I had become more knowledgeable than when I first became a PRP and when I was doing my first horrible clinical attachment at the Medical Ward (Male). 

3 months to go. 3 more rotations to complete (OPD, Klinik Kesihatan, Ward Supply) before I finally get this horrifying PRP year to be over with. For my satisfyingly fun clinical rotation, I have 2 people to thank for. The first person is of course, my awesome Pediatrics Clinical Pharmacist, Mr T and the second person is Miss T, the head of clinical pharmacist who had helped me so much especially during the first clinical rotation of which I had faced this dark period of 'The Great Depression'. They inspired me to learn more and to care more for the patients. I actually have this thought of pursuing my studies in 'Clinical Pharmacy' someday in the future. But I'm torn between choosing 'Clinical Pharmacy', 'Pharmocology' or 'Pharmaceutical Chemistry'. Let's see. 

Now, let's talk about something else. 

Places 

Korea

My friends and I are planning to go to Korea next year during the Spring Season. But I don't know when will I get my posting for FRP. Will I still be in the dreadful H**? To whom should I apply my Cuti Rehat from? 

Kuantan

This had been in my plan since I started my PRP and started missing the good old days as a university student. I actually miss UIA Kuantan, Kulliyyah of Pharmacy, all my lecturers and the places I've always frequented to when I was studying in Kuantan. So many memories! :')

Cameron Highlands

One of my favourite places in Malaysia. My family and I went to Cameron Highlands right after I had finished my 1st horrible clinical rotation (which ended really well, Alhamdulillah). I was on the verge of depression back then, crying almost every day, loss of appetite, growing thin and weary that this made my parents worried. My mom later announced that she will plan a short holiday/getaway to Cameron Highlands right after I finished my clinical. Trust me, the thought of going to Cameron gave me strength to survive the oh-so-stressful-despicable week of Clinical. I had fun there, Alhamdulillah. The short staycation had managed to rejuvenate my weakening spirit and since then, Cameron had topped my list of my favourite places in Malaysia. Penang? Not anymore. Not after what it had done to me. LOL. 

Penang

Okay fine. I still love Penang because of the beautiful places there, definitely not because of its people (some of whom I despised greatly). I love its rich history. Someday I shall book a small room at an old house-converted-into-hotel and just roam Penang and savour its delectable choices of foods. And shopping as well. xD

Melaka

I need to go to Melaka again. I need to roam the museums and all the historical places there. My mom said that her side of the family had always been native Malaccans who had lived there since the days of the Malaccan Sultanate. A female ancestor of mine was said to have met and married a trader/merchant who came to the Malaccan port when she was selling beaded shoes by the sea shore. Wow..

I need to go to Melaka.

Gunung Jerai

What are the odds of you celebrating the end of your clinical rotations by going to the highlands? 

As I mentioned earlier, I went to Cameron Highlands after I finished my first Clinical Rotation and for this second Clinical Rotation, my family and I went to spend a night at the top of Gunung Jerai. 

It was the first time I experienced walking through a fog so thick that it made me feel as though I'm in a horror movie. 

Books

Peony in Love

I had finished reading 'Peony in Love' and I love it so much. I had watched many Chinese period/historical dramas when I was young, but I had never read a book with those time settings (the many dynasties where the emperor ruled China). I had read books by Amy Tan, but those books usually showcased the life of people from the war-torn China (after the Japanese Occupation and revolutions) who then immigrated to USA. (But I simply love The Bonesetter's Daughter). So, I'm looking forward to read more novels like this in the future. 

I had never read any fiction set during the Malaccan Sultanate. Except for the drama 'Puteri Hang Li Po' of which I was required to read for KOMSAS SPM. (or was it PMR?). Someone should write this kind of story. Someone who loves history and fiction. That someone seems familiar, LOL. 

Carry On

I was feeling a bit under the weather the day before my presentation. So right after I had finished working, I drove to the mall and bought myself an ice blended caramel coffee, headed to the bookshop and was delighted to find 'Carry On' by Rainbow Rowell sitting on the front shelf facing the entrance. 

I love Rainbow Rowell's books. I wish I could be Rainbow Rowell more than I could be JK Rowling. Carry On is like Rainbow Rowell's fan-fiction based on the famous Harry Potter series. I know that I could never be JK Rowling but Isn't it great to actually publish a fan-fiction based on Harry Potter? It shows how much you love Harry Potter. *sigh*. 

Buying books had long exerted this therapeutic effects on me. I have a towering pile of TBR books, but I kept on buying more. As long as it keep me happy and sane, then why not, right? 

I must continue writing. There was a point in my life where I actually thought of giving up on my dream to become a published writer and just focused on my daily job as a pharmacist. I had this thought that I would eventually end up as someone who would never get her dream as a published writer come true. 

Nope, I must work hard. Writing kept me sane during my tumultuous teenage years. It had since continued to make me sane till now. 

That's all from me. Gotta get back to reading. :) 

Quarter-Life Crisis

Late Twenties 

We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one

           Charles Dickens, Great Expectations. 

Taken from David Nicholls' 'One Day' aka a rather inspiring yet depressing book at the same time. T__T

I had just turned 25 four days ago. Yippee! No? 

And this newly-turned 25 lady (ahem) is fretting over what will happen tomorrow. 

No, it's not exactly fretting. More like worried, or is it the same thing?

I'm just going to say that the 25 years old Sarah is a much better person as compared to the 24 years old Sarah.

Let me remind myself of those times by which I was putting too much care about people's perceptions of me, since high school, foundation years, degree years and the first half of my PRP year. The Sarah back then was too scared of failing, too scared of making mistakes and getting reprimanded for those unintentional mistakes that she lead her life living so cautiously that she might as well not have lived at all, by which she failed by default. (does this quote ring a bell somewhere? hehe) 

I kind of smiled upon remembering the Sarah back then. So scared of failing a quiz. So embarrassed when her quizzes marks were posted outside the class, together with her name next to it. So bothered by what people thought or might not think about her. So eager to please everyone. 

And then, she embarked onto a thorn-ridden PRP life. She got scolded a lot. She got scolded again. She got shouted at, she failed an exam twice which led to her getting extended for 2 weeks, she cried, she stood up, she fell down again, she stood up, she got stronger. 

She had once regarded herself as the source of the problems that had happened to her. She was too slow, too incompetent, her brain is not made to memorize drug doses and regimens. All these made her felt worthless, useless, timid. 

Until later, she finally came to a realization that in certain circumstances, she could not change what people will think or had thought of her. If they decided to dislike her, then so be it. She will keep on improving and to prove that she is not what they had once thought she is, but rather than to prove it to others, she did it to prove to herself. 

A few days ago, I had browsed through my old logbooks from my previous rotations to fill in my SKT form. I could see the marks and comments my preceptors from each rotation had given and written in there.

I scored mainly average marks. The passing marks is 60%. The lowest I got is 66.8%, LOL and the highest I received is 86%. Okay, don't care. I only care about passing all rotations and getting out of this hospital after I finished my PRP. 

From one particular preceptor, there were these comments written:

- Could not complete tasks within the assigned period.

- Always careless in daily works

- Could not countercheck in 3rd week

- Failed to detect basic polypharmacy. 

I read these comments and I smiled. I actually laughed a little. As expected of her. So what? 

The old me would have probably cried in the toilet and let these harmless comments bothered the rest of her day and maybe the rest of the week. 

That's when I realized I had changed. I had learned not to be scared of people. (well, still working on this one). Slowly learning, yes, that's the word. Slowly. I had learned not to care about what people think of me. 

I know that I had improved considerably over the course of 9 months becoming a PRP. On my first day, I did't even know what the heck is Piriton (the brand name). Now, with Allah's grace, I am able to detect several polypharmacies and mistakes in prescriptions. I could also recite the common drug doses and frequency (regimen) without any hesitation when asked. Alhamdulillah. 

Wow, this post seems so inspiring that I actually forgot the purpose of me actually writing here (the title). 

Oh yes, quarter life-crisis. It's not really a crisis. I had started my PRP year consecutively being in 5 difficult rotations (OPD< IPD, Clinical, TDM, TPN), and then, 'vacation' started as I continued with the other 4 rather 'relaxing' rotations (Store, Manufacturing, DIS, CDR). 

And now, tadaaa... break's over, man! 

Second rotation of Clinical Pharmacy is about to begin. Tomorrow. 

Pfft.. I'm scared of this rotation. I was really depressed back then, during the first rotation.It was the darkest period of my life, ever. 

That was then, 6 months ago. 6 months later, I hope that I would be able to take the stress and workload. Because I'm a brand new person. I should be able to handle the stress, insya Allah. 

I really have to reorganize my life. Make a timetable or something. I must strive to become a better person. A more organized person. 

On another note, I had finished reading Jennifer Niven's 'All the Bright Places'. I love the book. It is so cleverly and beautifully written. Though it breaks my heart a little. I had expected that kind of ending all along. 

And also, I had finished watching the last episode of 'Twenty Again'. It is a rather inspiring and heart-warming Korean Drama. It tells about a 38 years old woman who is about to rediscover herself, and to make up for the time she had lost for 20 years by experiencing and enjoying life as a college student, where she found friends, and love. Hahaha. 

4 more months till I finish my PRP, insya Allah. 

Please pray for me! :) 

The many emotions of Inside Out

(image googled) 

I had just came back from watching Disney's 'Inside Out'. And of course I watched the movie alone,  like I always did and love to do. Watching a movie alone allows you to fully enjoy the story without any interruption (in my case, my siblings/friends asking for the box of popcorn we shared together every once in a while, LOL) and be preoccupied with your own thoughts generated from what you have seen and heard. It's like having an inner monologue with yourself.

I've always been a fan of Disney/Pixar movies. I practically grew up with Disney movies and this of of course, had played a major role in shaping my imagination and so-called creativity. xD

Anyway, before I've decided to watch 'Inside Out', I had been really curious about how the storytellers of Pixar would weave an interesting story about 5 different emotions in the head of an 11 years old girl. It sounds quite scientific and psychological-ish (is there another word I could use to substitute this? Haha). I wonder how they're going to make the story flow, without it being boring and at the same time, educating the viewers on how the brain and emotions work. 

Munching my own box of popcorn, I realized that there was not a single soul found sitting in front, left and right of me (like I intended it to be). I was almost alone, minus one couple who were sitting a few rows behind me. The colourful scenes from the Pixar colour palettes greeted me, and I sat back, relax and began to enjoy the show. 

There was a bonus story about a volcano who is waiting for his true love to appear (from under the sea, literally). Hahaha. The story is pretty cute and the music pretty catchy (as expected of a Pixar production). 

And the story started. We were introduced to the first major emotion that appeared when we we born into this world. That is Joy. 

And later, Joy had new friends, developed over the course of years as we ( or Riley, in this case) grew up. Those new friends/emotions are 'Sadness', 'Fear', 'Disgust' and 'Anger'. 

We learned that apart from Joy; Fear, Disgust and Anger are needed to protect and defend ourselves from any physical or emotional harm.

It's just that I couldn't really fathom why should there be 'Sadness' in the first place. I got angry for the very existence of 'Sadness' and the problems 'Sadness' had caused. Sadness shouldn't exist! 

 All these emotions powered up the Islands of Personality, which include 'The Family Island', 'Friendship Island', 'Goofiness Island', 'Honesty Island' and 'Baseball Island', LOL. 

Riley was pretty happy, and 'Joy' practically filled most of her days. Everyone thought that she will continue being happy, but that isn't the case.   

From Minnesota, Riley and her family moved to a new place; San Francisco. Here, she was forced to adapt with a new surrounding, had to force herself to make new friends. Everything is so new. She felt so sad. This is when 'Sadness' took charge over the 'Emotion Control button'. But Joy and her other friends tried to suppress this feeling of sadness. They began throwing in 'happy memories', 'positive thinkings' into I presume... Riley's 'Amygdala' (which is not mentioned in this movie, but really, Amygdala controls your emotion. Correct me if I'm wrong. My knowledge of Anatomy had become rustier by the days, haha). 

That was when I felt delighted, knowing that in times of sadness, I wasn't really alone. I have friends to help me. 'Friends' in my brain. Whenever I'm sad, my 'friends' in the brain will try to make up for that sadness by triggering back good old memories and reinforcing positive thinking within myself. 

Anyway, Riley broke down. Something happened, that leads to the disappearance of 'Joy' and 'Sadness'. It's now up to Fear, Anger and Disgust to take control over Riley's emotions. We later learned that these 3 didn't really do a good job. LOL. 

Joy and Sadness on the other hand, tried to find their way back to the 'Headquarters', which I assumed, is the Hypothalamus (?). It's not an easy way back, and they came across many sorts of obstacles and difficulties, even exploring new places like the Imagination World (where they met Bing Bong, Riley's childhood imaginary friend). 

Fast forward to the end of the story, I later learned (the same goes with Joy) about the importance of 'Sadness'. 'Sadness' is the essential thing that makes us humans. By experiencing sadness, we feel  more vulnerable, and that we tend to seek comfort in the people we love (for example, our family). It created this feeling of love and being loved. And when we experienced sadness, support and care from others could bring us back up to the place where we had never managed to reach for in the first place. 

I finally get it. We couldn't be happy all the times. Sadness is important too. Sadness is so misunderstood. Poor Sadness. 

And another sad thing I learned from this movie is that, memories do fade away. Not everything is converted by the hippocampus into long-term memory. I don't mind the 'bad memories' fading away and later disappear forever. I feel sad that I might have forgotten some of the good memories I had during my childhood years. But it doesn't matter really. The most important thing is for you to store more good memories and to throw the bad memories away from your entire limbic system. Hehe. 

But eh, bad memories are essentials as well. They taught you to be more careful next time around. 

At the end of the movie, there is another thing that I love about this whole emotions-personality thing. It's that the coexistence of all 5 types of emotions could lead to new 'Islands of Personality' being created, and the expansion of the existing ones. 

I learned that all five emotions need to work together. They need to coexist with each other. What's life is all about if we only experience 'Joy'? What's life if we tend to always express our 'Anger' towards every single thing and person? 'What's life if we are too scared to live due to 'Fear' dominating our emotion?'. And definitely, life would seem meaningless if we tend to succumb too much into 'Sadness'. In fact, the 'togetherness' of these emotions leads to what we later defined 'Emotional Stability'. 

'Emotionally unstable' is a term that you would usually refer to a person who seemed to get angry too much for no reason whatsoever, a person who cried too much and later got depressed, and even those who were too hyper up to the point they got called 'loony' or 'mental' by other people. 

It's nice to see that these 5 emotions would do all they could to ensure our survival in this complex, challenging world. So, the next time you're sad, just tell 'Joy' about it,  and she will throw down some 'positivity orbs' and 'pleasant memories orbs' into your amygdala,  and you will be up and about in no time. :)

This movie features a great deal of stuffs about psychology, which is one of the scientific areas I have interest in (I like to explore people's minds, stalker much? haha), and that it also refreshed my memories of slaving away at my textbook, memorizing every part and function of the human's central nervous system. Seems like my hippocampus is still functioning well huh? Hahaha (Note: Hippocampus converts short term memories into long term memories). And oh, all these, without making the audience bored. Such a good storyline!

I hereby award this movie with 5 out of 5 stars. :)