Knowledge-oriented

I'm already in my second semester of THIRD YEAR of studying (yes, gonna be a final year student soon, inshaa Allah) and  the thing is, I have become increasingly clueless and confused as to what am I actually doing here.

I often asked myself 

"What is the purpose of you being here, Sarah? To study about drugs and all those chemical structures and complex mechanism of actions? Why have you been fated to read Pharmacy?" 

What am I doing here? I don't have that much interest to what I've been learning and currently learning. I feel so constricted, I feel trapped, I feel as though someone had thrown me into this really deep hole and I really yearned to climb up of this hole and to be in the bright, beautiful, colourful world instead of this mundane, gloomy place. 

As you know (or didn't know), I keep asking another question to myself "Why am I being born a girl?" and I'm still seeking for the answer.

Eh, I'm not being deviant, I'm just asking questions and seeking for answers. Is that wrong? 

Even though I still haven't found the answers to both questions, I know one thing for sure, and I put my faith towards this particular verse from al-Quran.

Adh-Dukhaan verse 38

And so I believe, that there must be a VALID and SOLID reason on why I was born into this world, why Allah had made me a woman, and why it had been fated for me to be in this course. Why Pharmacy? Why not Law? Economics? Dentistry? Medicine? or even in those art-based courses that I would really love to be in like 'Bachelor of English and Literature', 'Anthropology', 'Journalism', 'Creative Writing', 'Filmmaking', etc?

Maybe there is something about/in Pharmacy that would bring benefits to me, or to everyone around me. Of course, you learned a lot from this course, and you learned a lot from other courses as well. But it's Pharmacy. Allah had decreed that Pharmacy is the best course for me. Maybe because it will bring out the best in me. Who knows? Allah works in mysterious ways that the human beings could never figure. That's the surprise, you know! :D One thing for sure, whatever happened is the best thing that ever happened to us. 

As for now, while incessantly figuring out about the purpose of my existence into this world, I have been praying to Allah

 "Please let me love what I learn, please let me become so passionate in seeking beneficial knowledge (i.e Pharmacy). Please let me be sincere in seeking knowledge. Please let me be knowledge-oriented. Please let me be interested in what I am learning. Please, let my aim of seeking knowledge solely be for the purpose of seeking your pleasure" (bad English, baaaddd English! Doesn't matter. At least Allah understands my prayer).

Well, seeking knowledge is reaaaallllyyyy hard. *sobs*. It's harder if you hold no interest towards the knowledge that you've been 'forced' to seek. You are forced to read, to memorize, to regurgitate everything during quizzes and examinations, but there's no feeling of satisfaction there. You just don't feel the 'sweetness' of seeking knowledge. I really want to have that feeling. 

For now, I would never stop praying to Allah for Him to turn me into someone knowledge-oriented, and I would also have to 'force' myself to love what I am learning. To be truthful, I forced myself to study for Allah's sake. It's like you know, your mother asked you to study, and you have to force yourself to study. But your mother could not turn you into someone knowledge-oriented. (she surely can, when she prays to Allah). Oh wait, I had never asked for my mom to pray for me to become 'knowledge-oriented'. I only asked her to pray that I could 'answer the exams and quizzes, LOL'. So next time, I must ask her to do that. Everyone knows that Allah holds preference towards a mother's prayer for her children than the prayers of the children themselves.. Anyway, I am immensely grateful for still having a mother who would pray for me. *sobs*. Thank you Allah. :')

So yes, please pray for me. I want to become knowledge-oriented! And so right now, I'm mustering all my courage, gathering all my strength to study for the sake of Allah. It may be difficult at first, but Allah had said.

Adh-Dhuha verse 4

It's not really the hereafter but hopefully this effort will be counted in the hereafter. 

Malay translation: "Dan sungguh, yang kemudian itu lebih baik bagimu daripada yang permulaan". 

roughly translated as "the end is better for you than the beginning"

Also,  my two favourite verses

Surah al-Insyirah verses 5-6 

Please pray for me. All the best everyone! :)

And please pray for #LahadDatu. :(