What if I'm pregnant??!!

I met this one fool cool guy and he wasn't like any other guys I've met. He's like the other half of me. He completes me. I can act the way I do, being my own self when I'm with him.

So, this is how it goes.

And one day, I went to Popular Bookstores in Megamall Kuantan. I was looking through new books, then I saw Terry Pratchett's Unseen Academicals. Like, OMG! I've been waiting to sink my teeth into it for a long time! Then I saw a really cool guy, he was reading a book, immersed into his own world, unaware of the surroundings. I couldn't help but to stare at him. Kakkoii!

 Then he caught me staring at him. Embarrassed much?? I looked away. And when I was going to pay for the book. Oopsie! I forgot that I only have RM10 in my purse. Tu la, JPA tak masuk lagi! Then, with a heavy feeling, I put the book back into the rack.

He saw me did that. And he asked 'Why? Aren't you going to buy it?'

Whoa! He speaks in perfect ENGLISH!

'Err?' cat got my tongue.

And without us realising it, we started discussing about the kind of books that we've read, which one is better, the movie adaptation of Da Vinci Code or the novel itself? We had fun. Like, totally. He's my type of guy. You know, crazy about reading and books. Like magic, we sort of clicked.

He asked for my number of which I didn't give. Cannot~!

But I gave him my facebook email. And for the next days, weeks, we contacted each other. One day, we met each other again in Popular Bookstore. What do you expect, Kuantan doesn't have MPH or Borders!

We looked at each other into the eyes, mesmerized with each other's beauties (please fetch yourself a basin to throw up) and he held my hand. And. the whole event can be summarized in three words.

We did it.

And suddenly I felt an immense regret, I was crying. He said he'll be responsible. This is never happening! I have committed a really grave sin. I really hope that all this is a nightmare and it will all be OK once I wake up. I decided to repent, I pray to Allah that 'Please, don't make that happen,', decided to move on, pretending it never happens. After all, we have to keep moving forward, right?

And I didn't contact him ever since. In fact, I've deleted him from my list of friends in facebook! He kept on sending friend requests but I blocked him. I feel really angry with him. THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! I'm a UIA student for goodness sake!

And so I went on doing my so-called duties as a student, carrying on with my normal daily life. But of course, life is never the same again. I feel really guilty. I didn't tell anyone. Not even my parents! No way!

I'm an optimistic person. I'll move on, that's what I thought. Then I realised I missed a cycle.

'Ok,never mind. It's normal la right, inconsistent menstrual cycle. It must be because of the hormones,'

And I got more and more worried when I had missed THREE menstrual cycles. As a health-based student, I don't need the pregnancy test to confirm that I'm pregnant. I just know it. After all, I did it, right?

I got so scared and started to cry. I couldn't concentrate in class. I don't have any mood to study. My future dreams are ruined! I imagined myself becoming all famous and successful one day
and suddenly all those papparazis took a sneak peek into my past life and they found out that I had a child out of wedlock and all? NOO!!!

I once thought of an abortion but didn't do it based on 3 reasons.

1. How on earth am I going to find accommodation in Thailand to abort my child?

2. I'm afraid of pain.

3. I have to study for a series of quizzes so if I aborted my child it will take several months to recover and I'm afraid of pain.

But later on, people will find out! My  stomach  my uterus will grow bigger. How am I supposed to hide the controversial state of my stomach?

Then I began to eat a lot. A lot of people commented that I'm a bit chubby and my stomach is a bit bloated. I said 'It must be because of the food and I need to eat a lot since I'm all stressed out with the coming final exam,' And the miraculous thing is that I didn't experience morning sick.

When my mum called me I was really sad for dissapointing her. I cried each time I hung up the phone after finished talking to her.

The distance between my Mahallah and the Kulliyyah of Pharmacy is approximately 1 km away and you have to walk under a hot scorching sun to reach there.

One day, I fainted on the road. My friends brought me to the clinic and the doctor said shouted

'ARE YOU PREGNANTTT?????'

I just nodded weakly. And she conveyed the bad news to the mahallah principal. Mahallah principal told my parents. My mum called me and she cried on the phone,saying how sinful I am, how dissapointed she is, my father didn't say anything as he was very very dissapointed. My mum said I'm supposed to set good examples to my siblings. And what will happen if her relatives and friends know about this?

I cried as well. I hate this wriggly thing that always kicked me in my uterus. I hate the cool guy. I hate myself for loving books too much thus falling in love lust with a guy who is a bibliophile!

And later on, everyone in Kulliyyah of Pharmacy knows I'm pregnant. And then everyone in UIA Kuantan knows that. My friends were so shocked. I isolated myself from them. Then the Dean issued me a dismissal letter. A student becoming pregnant out of wedlock is TOTALLY NOT ACCEPTABLE in UIA, the same goes with other universities in Malaysia.

My parents don't want to fetch me from Kuantan as they are too embarrassed and angry.

I purchased a bus ticket and throughout the 12 hours long journey from Kuantan to Sungai Petani, I was busy thinking about my fate, my destiny, my future.

When I got home, I got one hell of scoldings. My mum were crying, my dad was really mad at me. My siblings too, were sad and I thought over and over again 'WHAT HAVE I DONE???'

My mum said that I shall deliver the child and give it to someone. Then I said 'No, I want to raise him/her,'.

  I could try to increase my blog traffic so that I can depend solely on Nuffnang for my monthly income. I'll get a lot of money and I'll take really good care of my child.

But for now, I need money. And I dare not to ask for it from my parents, not after what I did.

Anyway, I've learned not to care too much about what people thought of me. Who cares? At least I did not have the slightest intention of throwing away the baby once I have secretly delivered it. And of course, I'm not going to deliver it in the toilet and dumped it into the toilet bowl! YUCKS! I have committed a really grave mistake and I'm not going to commit another one.

I'm still struggling right now. I'm pregnant all right, so what?

To pregnant girls out there! Don't even think of throwing away your child like that once you've found out that you're pregnant. Don't even think of an abortion!There are many alternatives! You could go to the
 School for Pregnant teenagers (except that I'm no longer a teen nor am I a school student)
 or any rehab centres. OPTIMISM IS THE KEY!

If you're not willing to face those horrible feelings, don't even think of having sexual relationships BEFORE you're legally married. You wouldn't want to become like me! This immense guilt will never be washed away. :(

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GOTCHA! I am a self-proclaimed drama queeen who has a wild imagination. I like to imagine things. Ever thought of what's going to happen if you accidentally got pregnant before getting married?
I used to write lots of these 'What ifs stuffs. Writing these kinds of stuffs make me become more cautious, responsible, careful. I would often imagine about the worst case scenarios that would happen if I did this or that. It's kind of a self-reflection in a way. Helping me to think rationally before deciding to do something. And I pray they will never ever happened, Allah forbids that please!

It's because I watched this earlier on. It struck me on how relaxed Juno is. How relaxed her parents are when responding to such situation. Imagined if it was me. I guess those western people are too liberal and open minded that the thought of their daughters getting pregnant is considered normal. And somehow,  it makes me reflected back on the cases that I've seen, read and heard in the media. On teenagers getting pregnant, those who did it, baby dumping, school for pregnant teenagers. Haish. I wouldn't want to experience all that. No!

Inspiration, I need inspiration! I need to finish my novel! 

With that, thank you for reading. Adieu and assalamualaikum. :)