Where will I sleep tomorrow?

To cut things short, my preceptor's husband passed away this morning. My mom and I went to the mosque to pay our 'final respect' to the 'arwah'.

The last time I ever attended a funeral was in 2010, where my grandmother passed away in Singapore.

She was a generally healthy person, with a moderate case of hypertension. The cause of her death is simply bacterial infection, possibly acquired when she was cutting the fish. She was being warded for about 2 months and passed away soon after.

As for my preceptor's husband, he had diabetes and his death is also attributed towards the extreme level of glucose in his blood. He was unconscious for almost a week when it was finally decided that it was the time to let him go (he had been surviving on machines) and yeah, he passed away after a week at the hospital.

My father's friend passed away right after he sent his daughter to the matriculation college. It was being alleged that he experienced a heart attack after carrying his daughter's luggage.

Another friend of his passed away when he was playing 'sepak takraw'. 

This got me thinking. I could be destined to die any moment now. Even when I'm typing this very sentence. You don't need a specific cause to die. If it's your time to die, then you will die. Sometimes, you would die because of unlikely initiation factors (like playing sepak takraw/carrying a luggage thus getting heart attack/respiratory failure or cutting the fish thus getting bacterial infection).

I don't know. I'm scared. I have so many debts towards Allah. I'm afraid that I won't be given enough time to pay the debts, and to strive in seeking his pleasure, to perform ibadah, etc.

I could die anytime now. If Allah decided that I shall die, then yes, I will. But then, he had given me chances to repent, to change something, to change myself for the betterment. He is giving me time to perform ibadahs, to please Him. 

Tonight, I will be sleeping on my bed at home, surrounded by my family members. Who knows, I might be 'sleeping' in the grave, all alone tomorrow? That I will be waiting fearfully as the 'Angels Munkar and Nakir' proceed to question me in the grave? And if I can't answer the questions, I will be punished and tortured? This makes me scared and sad.

I should be thinking about death a lot, so that the very thought of it would not lead me astray, away from the right and true path, so that it will guide me towards my creator, the most merciful Allah s.w.t. 

Read al-Quran a lot, for it will be your companion in the grave, illuminating the dark surrounding with its brilliant light, insya-Allah. 

Remember Allah always. 

The REAL Time Travel

My mom told me, my siblings, my dad, aunts and cousins about this surreal tale last night during the family 'iftar' at our kampung in Perak. 

There was this boy who studied at an elite boarding school in Alor Setar, who had been missing for 3 days. Someone saw the boy walking to the school musolla for Subuh prayer really early in the morning and he went missing ever since. 

Once found, the boy claimed that he had met someone who speaks like those people who lived during the Zaman Kesultanan Melayu Melaka (Malaccan Malay Sultanate Period).

"Siapakah gerangan tuan hamba?"
"Bolehkah hamba menumpang sembahyang di tempat ini?"

and you get the dialogues la kan.

It had been a number of occasions for that boy to have been 'kidnapped' by non-biological entities (if you know what I mean). After the boy went missing for several days, they'd find him in these two places, either at the school toilet or at the school musolla. 

I'm not sure whether he had really followed the 'Laksamana/Hulubalang/Temenggung/Bendahara' to the glorious days of Malaccan Sultanate, but if this is one of the ways to time travel, then I'd rather not experience it.

Oh yes, the boy got an A+ for his Sejarah SPM. HAHA.

THE END. 

Writer's Block

I am currently experiencing this MASSIVE writer's block!

Have you ever experienced this feeling of  'being delighted at these simply brilliant ideas, thus writing them out, pouring your heart contents onto it and yet, halfway through writing it, you found yourself doubting the story, and your credibility as a writer? 

Because that's simply what I'm experiencing now. 

My ideas are weird. In the midst of writing it/them/whatever, I feel that the whole story is worthless, and I can't help but to succumb to stereotypical storylines at times. T__T

I'm not sure whether what I like to write would also be what people wanted to read.

I guess I just have to follow my guts and write from my heart. 

CLICHESS. Oh how I hate you. And I don't want any of them in my story. But somehow, it is needed.  Can't believe I am saying this. Haihh..

I have had enough of fictions. I wanted to go to the museums and read books on World War II and Pre-war Malaya. 

I need to rest. I hope I'd wake up to be bestowed with more ideas. 

Tomorrow: 12th day of attachment. I'm getting bored day by day... T__T. 

Good night! 

What if I'm Pregnant?!!! Part Two

a continuation from the first part (sort of)... 

It's final. IIUM had sent me an official letter confirming my expulsion from the university. It is so predictable. I mean, it's IIUM! International Islamic University Malaysia. ISLAMIC! What kind of Islamic university which had tried its best providing 'Islamic' environment to its students would want to keep me there? I'm not saying that other universities would not have taken the same action; but do you get it? 

For I have tarnished the image of the university and also my identity as a Muslim. I feel so embarrassed, I am feeling extremely guilty! I'm sooo enraged, my whole self is filled with anger! But towards whom should I be angry with? Should I blame Terry Pratchett for writing such a fantastic book? Should I blame myself for not going to MBS Bookstore at East Coast Mall instead of Popular Bookstore, Megamall Kuantan, thus paving path for the both of us to meet?

Oh, that guy. Yeah, I should blame him. Why is he so addicted towards books as I am? And why is he so immensely attractive? Maybe I should contact him again. Maybe we could get married and open a library together. Maybe our child, the fruit of our love would grow up reading books like his/her parents (I hope it's a girl) and write a series of a boy going to the magic boarding school, garnered the attention of an award winning movie producer who decided to adapt the series into several box-office movies and my child, the great author will carve her name as the BEST best-selling author in the world!

Dream on, Sarah. Yeah, dream on.

There's no way on earth am I going to contact him again. Sure, love had made you blind. Whatever. 

There are several important things that I'm worried about right now.

Number one: My parents. They won't talk to me. I can't even bear to look at them by their faces. They are truly disappointed with me. Maybe I should leave the home for a while. But I don't have money! Wait, I do have some money! JPA Scholarship! I'd better withdraw my money from the account and transfer it to another account before JPA decided to take it all back.

On second thought, what if I'm required to pay the debts to JPA??

Number two: My future. What now? No longer a Bachelor of Pharmacy student? I should take up other courses. Cheap courses. I don't knowwwwww..... :((

Number three: This child who is now snoozing peacefully in my belly, unaware of the chaos and problems she had created by merely existing. I'm scared of giving birth!!!! I don't even have a husband by my side to calm me down! Giving birth. Well, I've watched several videos of women giving birth. It is not at all pleasing!  I bet that it will be REALLY REALLY 100x painful! 

Basically, that's all. I don't know whom should I turn to for help. I know that I couldn't consult my parents, they have their own headaches, thinking of my problem. There's no way am I going to contact any of my friends. I reached for my handphone and saw that there had been..

50 text messages.

20 missed calls.

Being schooled in IIUM for almost 2 years, I've attended halaqah, and the naqibah would always say 

'Turn to Allah whenever you're in distress. He will listen to you, '

and

'Ask forgiveness from Allah. He is the Most Merciful and Forgiving'.

It's easier said than done. The thing is, I'm feeling a bit ashamed of myself. I'm too embarrassed to even ask for Allah's help. I mean, He had given me everything! Everything! I'm being born in Malaysia instead of Afghanistan and Pakistan where women there are treated like slaves. I'm living in a Muslim country where Halal food is freely available everywhere. I have parents who are excellent in terms of their health and finance. 

Allah has given me everything! Yet, I blew up everything! I've committed a very grave sin! 

I did that

I did it

To be continued...

....

Exactly what I am going to do. What I'm trying to do. Not to give up. 

No one/anything could persuade me to give up

-Not even if there are too many things to study

-Not even my lack of interest towards what I'm learning that slowly tells me to give up

-Not even my lack of determination that keeps on telling me to procrastinate. 

Laziness: Lack of interests, lack of motivation, having unclear goals.

Having unclear goals. Yup, that's right.

Haihh...

Blackmores Buffered C

Salaam'alaik.

Can't think of any appropriate title. I looked around, and the first thing I saw was this glass bottle of Blackmores Vitamin C supplement. So yeah...

There are many things that inspire you. It could be a person, a movie, a song, a superhero, a monkey, cat, even a bottle half-filled with mineral water. LOL.

I signed up for this website www.dramalist.com. It is kind of the goodreads' version for dramas and movies. And so I rated each drama that I have watched, and as I clicked on each of it, my mind began to recall some memorable scenes on each particular drama.

All of a sudden, the opening song for 'Jin', a very inspiring and memorable Japanese drama began to play in my head. It instantly makes me feel inspired and hopeful for the future. I just can't explain it. It just happened. And I am a weird person who finds joy and inspiration in even the smallest of thing but as long as this attribute makes me happy, then I am happy and contented enough. =)

A month ago, I answered an MCQ question wrongly for the Anti-Cancer and Chemotherapy quiz. I debated with my lecturer on the integrity of the choice of answers. I lost, which is predictable of course. My lecturer has a Ph.D, and I only have SPM certificate (LOL). 

This incident left me feeling crushed and sad. It is not such a big deal, but I really don't know what had gotten into me at that time. One thing for sure, I have lost a bit of my interest towards that subject, which is pathetic.

I managed to console myself and you know that self-motivation is the most effective morale booster a person could ever receive. I typed this to my phone and saved it as a note.

"Things that give you pain and hurt you deeply now might give you happiness in the future, if only you believe in it and never give up. Believe in Allah!"

and I was reminded of a scene in 'Dae Jang Geum', a story about a court maid who later became the first female royal physician in a male-dominated society of the Joseon Dynasty. When someone told her to give up, she said with determination "I will never give up! No one would make me give up!" I could feel the chill creeping down my spine as I watched this.

Last week, things got a bit unbearable for me. My research project had been abandoned for a month. I pray that there would be no molds growing on my plants. T__T. I have so many things to attend to, so many things to settle. This semester, I am the head editor for the i-Mag (IIUM Pharmacy students' magazine), I am the treasurer for COHSAS (community outreach programme for indigneous people), I am the secretary for the swimming tournament, and I am a student with so many assignments to do, so many quizzes to study for.

Last Wednesday, I had to perform a series of lab tests for my plant. We had to do the control experiment and the real experiment. I failed to obtain the correct result for the CONTROL experiment, even after I have carefully done everything according to what the lab manual stated. This event leads to me doubting myself of whether I am really capable of becoming a researcher in the future.

Which also leads to me questioning certain things. Do I really want to pursue my studies? Or is it something that my mother and almost everyone around me expected me to do? If I really wanted to pursue my studies to a higher level, do I really want to take something that is really cool (Pharmacology, Medicinal Chemistry, Cancer, Drug Discovery) but I do not have that much interest in? 

I have found my true calling. I must do things that makes me happy, even if it doesn't appeal to the public. For now, I have decided to just work at the hospital and become a clinical pharmacist. If I wanted to pursue my studies, I would like to take Clinical Pharmacy. I once dislikes being in a hospital but after several hospital attachments, I realize that this career is very interesting. And that one Chinese pharmacist working at HTAA had amazed me (and my friends) with her vast knowledge and skills in interpreting the patient's data/lab tests and relating them with something even deeper. 

I don't know. Let's just do my best in what I am doing now. I don't have much interest in Pharmacognosy! Blurgh! And I dislike memorizing all EIGHTEEN drugs of anti-epilepsy. I have memorized more than 100 drugs since I entered Pharmacy school. Oh well, let's just be patient, Sarah.

And the opening song from 'Jin' played in my mind again. I would like to write a script for a great drama like 'Jin'. Writing is my passion, and so I shall write. I am writing now. 

Dear Allah, please show me the way. :'(

P/S I find clothes fascinating! Never really gave much thoughts about clothes before, as compared to other girls my age (as compared to other girls/women). Sarah, it seems like you're starting to come out from your cocoon to emerge as a butterfly huh? LOL. Please ignore this. Can't think of a better analogy. 

Moodless

Sometimes you blamed others for your own faults and doings.

Sometimes you think about the future.

No, don't think about it.

Regardless of what is happening, and will happen, I just have one goal: I'd like to be happy.

Sarah: What am I doing here?

Syau: To fulfil your destiny! (cewwahh)

There are so many things to be settled.

I wish I could let everything out. Here. 

Be happy, be happy, be happy..

BE HAPPY!!! 

P/S I even lost interest in blogging. =___=

Dreams

Living in a different country each year

Working odd jobs to support my living

Befriend new people 

Rent a small studio apartment

Read

Write 

Learn new languages

Watch orchestra performances

Watch theatres

Help people 

Coming back to Malaysia  for Hari Raya

For now, thinking of these makes me happy. 

Lost

 I lost my way. 

I first started the journey by knowing 'what am I here for', 'why am I living this life',

but somehow, in the midst of the journey, I got lost. 

I asked myself 'what do I intend to do after this?' , 'what am I doing?' 

I tend to visualize what will happen in the future, those visions often being optimistic and so great up to the extent that they are not that relevant or realistic anymore.

And I got scared. What will happen to me? What if all the things I planned do not go exactly as I wanted?

I got the answer "Allah knows best. If it doesn't happen, then it is not the best for you". Well, that makes me calm. 

But I later realized that what leads to me feeling this way -this feeling of hopelessness, lost, etc actually comes from my own self! My attitude!

I know what I wanted, but I don't try my best to get it. I have dreams, but I don't take any action to achieve them. 

Then how am I going to know whether those visions in the future will turn out to become what I expected? I don't even do anything to try to make those visions come true. 

Those visions will not come true at all. Not because they are the things that Allah does not intend to make them happen, but it is because I myself do not have the determination to make them happen!

Don't blame Allah or anyone else for this. Most often, the main reason things do not go the way you expected is because you did not do anything, not because it is not meant to be. 

If you don't even intend to plant the tree, then how are you going to reap the fruits? Are you going to keep on dreaming about eating the fruits when in fact there's not even a tree in the first place?

Think Sarah, THINK.

The best thing to do right now is to start planting the tree, to care for it diligently without fail until it had grown tall and could survive on its own. Still, Whether it will bear sweet, fleshy fruits or not, it depends on Allah.

Because remember; 

GO FOR YOUR DREAMS, SARAH! The one major obstacle that you have to overcome is YOURSELF.  

An Epiphany

Salaam'alaik and a very good evening. 

I am scared of rats. Rats, mices, cencorot ( I don't know what is it called in English), basically everything and anything from this rodent's family.

Still in the end, I could visualize myself somewhere in the future, wearing a worn out lab coat (checked!), with a thick old-school glasses (checked!), and a not so presentable ensemble of clothes, working in a lab, with RATS, injecting them with a list of drugs (muahahaha!). 

I love doing research in the lab. I feel happy when I'm in a lab. I don't like to write lab reports though. I don't like to write a GROUP-WORK lab report. I hate to do any lab practical of which I am forced to come and perform. 

I want to carry out research works that I have interests in. I wish to have my own private laboratory. I wish that I would not get scared of rats and that I will befriend them and that they will not bite me (yikes!). 

I wish to pursue my studies in something related to drug discovery. But I need to learn how to work with rats, to overcome my fear towards rats and anything that bites (@__@). 

Here is how it goes:

My labmates and I were performing lab experiment on rats. The aim of the experiment is to measure out the efficacy and potency of the anaesthetics by injecting them on the rats of which they were previously being inflicted with pain such as a) having their tail clipped and b) putting them in a hot plate (cruel, huh? That's life). 

I didn't dare to touch any of the rats because they were so freaking aggressive! One of them went on spinning like the ceiling fan when my friend brought it out of the cage by holding its tail. This incident resulted in me running like mad towards the left side of the lab, another friend towards the right side, and another to the front of the lab. 

And then it was my turn to inject the morphine into the rat's peritoneum. I was extremely scared, my face pale, my mind imagining about the worst case scenario of what will happen if the rat suddenly released itself out of my friend's clutch and climbed over me (no!!!) and well, I did a bit of zikrullah, relying fully towards Allah, keep on praying "Please help me, Allah!" and Alhamdulillah, the rat offered its allegiance towards the experimenters. Most likely, it offered its allegiance towards Allah the Almighty. Yes, I have strong faith in this. 

I later realized the bitter truth: How am I supposed to pursue my studies if I am scared of rats??? T__T. Our lecturer told us that she had been experimenting on 1000 mice while carrying out her research on cancer. ONE THOUSAND!!!!! ONE FREAKING THOUSAND!!!! I'm scared of ONE RAT/MICE/RODENT!!!

GELI SIOTTT!!!!

When I got back to my room, I called my mom and lamented "Mak, I'm scared of rats la, how am I going to pursue my studies in the future?" (Please pray that I could pursue my studies, ameen!).

The my mom said "This is something that you have to overcome. You should not be scared of rats. You are bigger than the rats!" This is not at all convincing. My mom is scared of rats too. At home, the only female who is not scared of rats is our Indonesian maid. She is the 'Rat Hunter'. 

But still, it could bite la emak!!! >__<

So, I found a list of  several factors on what makes a rat bites from this website. The number one thing that makes a rat bite is due to: 

FEAR

 A rat that has never been handled has also never had a bad experience with people, so they tend to just be squirmy and difficult to hold rather than actually aggressive.
But a rat that has been handled, and handled cruelly or roughly, is more likely to bite, because it strongly associates humans with unpleasantness.
Rats will put up with a lot before they resort to biting, particularly once they are bonded to a person, so a rat that is so scared it feels it needs to attack all the time has very likely had past abuse.
This can be overcome with gentle handling and teaching the rat that humans are no longer going to hurt him. Scared rats tend to come around pretty quickly when handled by knowlegeable, gentle, calm people.

SOLUTION: I NEED TO BE CALM!!! AND NOT PANIC STRICKEN!!! I NEED AN ANXIOLYTIC PRONTO!!!! 

Another solution is that I need to perceive those lab rats as these cute ones:

Cute ke? PFTTTTT

And also, I need to pray A LOT to Allah, I need to play ayat-ayat al-Quran next time when I'm handling rats. I need to perform zikrullah to soothe the rats. 

Please pray that I will overcome this fear towards rats in this short time period!!!!! 

Wassalam. 

Day 4: Write about One of your biggest secrets

No way am I going to write this out directly. Let's play a charade okay? :D

One of my biggest secrets: Please decipher these pictures

Well, it is reallllyyyyy easy. Of course you could have guessed what is one of my so-called biggest secrets is. :P

 

Okay, assalamualaikum and may you have a great day! :)

Gurney

Assalamualaikum and a very good day to all.

I'm typing this in a hotel room in Penang. Yes, I am in Penang Island now, which is one of my favourite places in Malaysia. :)

I'm staying at ## floor, and our room is blessed with the spectacular view of the sea, and also a large colonial mansion on our left side view. 

Actually, I was quite surprised upon discovering the existence of that particular colonial mansion. Because I've been writing about a family living in an old mansion in Penang, and the descriptions somehow 90% fit that mansion. A coincidence, huh? 

My father had to attend a meeting, and so my mom, my siblings and I walked along the seaside road to go to Gurney Plaza, halfway realizing that Gurney Plaza is actually quite far when going there by foot. We turned back to our hotel room as the clock was ticking towards 7.

This is the first time I came to Penang AFTER reading Tan Twan Eng's 'The Gift of Rain', which is the one historical fiction that I have been looking for all this time. Before I found his novel, I was looking for a novel that depicts the lives of people living in Malaya during the British colonization, and how their lives had changed when the Japanese Army came to invade Malaya. And so, I was feeling rather overwhelmed, amazed and quite sad throughout reading the book. The whole story is spectacular! I have found the book that I've always wanted to read! I rated it 5 stars. :D 

So, after reading the book, I began to look at Penang in a whole different perspective. Whenever I looked at a road or a house, I would try my best to imagine what was actually there in the past? I wish I have the power to see what actually happened in the past. I really wanted to go to the past and come back to the future whenever I wanted to.  I am weird, I know. This would never happen, sadly. Well, I would get scared if I was stuck at the past forever! NOO!!! 

So, upon returning to our hotel room, the phone in the room was ringing. I picked it up 

Me: Hello?

The caller: Heeelllllooooo *whispering in a ghost-like voice of a male ghost*

Me: Hello?

The caller: Hellloooooo *whispering in a ghost-like voice of a male ghost*

Me: *hung up*

Being the dramatic me, I was quite scared. What if it's really a ghost? What if there's a hidden camera in the bathroom? LOL. I'm so paranoid. 

I have finished watching JIN and JIN 2 which are the 2nd best Japanese drama I have ever watched! 'Nobuta wo Produce' will always be the number one drama in my heart. 

JIN tells about Minakata Jin, a modern-day neurosurgeon who was accidentally transported to the past, specifically at the 1862 Edo period of Japan. So, he had to treat people and perform surgeries using whatever tools they have at that time. It is quite cliche, actually. Not exactly and original idea like 'Nobuta wo Produce', thus why I rated it as being the 2nd best. 

But the actors had performed excellently! The music and the whole historical stuffs, the ENDING! The ENDING is simply the best! I must not give you any spoiler, but I could surmise the whole story in just one word, And that is 'Bittersweet'. 

JIN (2009)

Awards won:

63rd Television Drama Academy Awards

-Best Drama

-Best Actor :Osawa Takao 

-Best Supporting Actor: Uchino Masaaki

-Best Supporting Actress :Ayase Haruka

-Best Director: Hirakawa Yuichiro, Yamamuro Daisuke, Kawahsima Ryutaro 

-Best Scriptwriter: Morishita Yoshiko

-Best Theme Song: 'Aitakute Ima' by MISIA 

and other Tokyo Drama Awards

JIN 2 (2011)

69th Television Drama Academy Awards

-Best Drama

-Best Actor :Osawa Takao 

-Best Supporting Actor: Uchino Masaaki

-Best Supporting Actress :Ayase Haruka

-Best Director: Hirakawa Yuichiro, Yamamuro Daisuke, Kawahsima Ryutaro

-Best Scriptwriter: Morishita Yoshiko

and other Tokyo Drama Awards

SO, THIS DRAMA SERIES IS A MUST WATCH!!!! :P

Okay, adieu to you and you and you! 

Day 3: Who are you closest to?

Salaam'alaik and a very good morning to all.

Let's make this very quick and quirky. The answer that I am about to give is a bit different.

So, who am I closest to?

The person closest to me is...

The Other ME.

Me and the other me often agree with each other, sometimes we would argue on certain things. For example, in a situation like this:

Me: Whoa, there's the book that I really wanted!

The Other Me: What about the other books that you haven't read?

Me: Oh right. Thanks, the other me!

For a minor argument like this, it often ended up with victory of 'The Other Me'. Sometimes, I just ignored her voice and went on doing things that I like, of which sometimes I ended up feeling guilty. Haha. 

Sometimes, 'The Other Me' would save me from future predictable embarrassments.

Me: I am so angry! I am going to vent my anger on  everything through my blog! So that people would know how angry I am!

The Other Me: Hold on. You're in anger, you're emotionally unstable. You would get embarrassed for the things you have written once you have cooled down.

Me: Okay, I'm gonna listen to you this time.

A few hours later

Me: I am so glad I didn't blog about it!

The Other Me: See, I told ya!

The Other Me also helped me immensely when I'm preparing for a presentation.

Me: Okay, let's start! (went on speaking)

The Other Me: What if they asked you this question? (went on stating a question that I have never thought of but there might be a possibility that someone might ask it)

Me: How should I answer it?

The Other Me: Relax. Try solving it one thing at a time. Then start piecing up all the puzzle pieces. You'll get the whole picture!

On the day of presentation

The lecturer: Bla bla bla bla

Me: (Oh, I have expected this question all along!) Bla bla bla bla

But sometimes, 'The Other Me' had been influenced by the whispers of the 'Satan'. 

Me: I am so angry with them! What, they called our group 'Budak-budak skema'?

The Other Me: Yes! Go on! Be angry with them! They thought that they are so good?

Of course, we must remember that 'The Other Me' is just like me. (and you!). 'The Other Me' is not perfect. 

When I am sad, 'The Other Me' said

"Let go of the tears. Write about your sorrows on your paper. Pray to Allah. You will get better'. 

'The Other Me' and 'Me' talked a lot to each other. Sometimes my mom would suddenly knocked my door, asking 'With whom are you talking to?'. LOL

Well, there is another whole bunch of experiences and adventures that 'The Other Me' and 'Me' had gone through. 

'The Other Me' is my best friend. We have been with each other since we were born! And 'The Other Me' is always with me whenever I go, at any time, at any place. In fact, 'The Other Me' is right here with me as I'm typing this.

The Other Me said : Thanks for blogging about me! I'm flattered!

Me: Aww.. NO big deal! For all that we have gone through, you deserved a post!

The Other Me: *hugs*

Day 4: Write About One of Your Biggest Secrets.

 As if I'd write tell any one of it for the whole world to read and know! (the Other Me warned me not to do so, haha). Well, let's see. 

On changing the world through reading

You don't need to wait until you have graduated to change the world- somebody said to me.

You could do it now! Last night, I have been pondering on and thinking of ways to change the world, even for the slightest bit with what I have now. 

There are several personal ideas,which I do not wish to mention here.

But only just now, had I just realized something important, something that I could do and would love to do.Something really easy. 

'Why don't we instil reading habit among youngsters?'

Why don't we just buy books and teach them how to read and pronounce the words? Why don't we show them how wonderful it is, the feeling of reading a book? The children would retaliate at first, as they think that reading is boring. Reading is BORING to them, simply because they haven't found the RIGHT book. 

I'm not an English teacher, so I could not teach them English/Grammar (and there are numerous grammatical errors committed in this blog xD) but I am a reader, a self-proclaimed avid reader, so I could teach them how to read and how to LOVE reading. Once they love reading, they would love writing (haha xD) and then they would perceive the books from a whole new perspective, thus they will excel in their lives, inshaa Allah. 

With whom should I start first? My brother? Dx 

English Reading Programme. Okay. 

Random thoughts on insecurities

Well, I don't mind if I'm not included in the specific lecturer or any lecturer's 'Scorers' List'. But really, deep inside my heart, I longed to be like one of those people in the list. The power is within me, if I do wanted to be included in the list. But to study just for the purpose of getting into the list? I prefer to be knowledge oriented, and to try to love what I am learning. I just want to gain knowledge. I wish the day will come where I could prove to everyone that even though I'm just an average person academic-wise, that I am not born a genius or someone with a natural talent, could also become successful. I'm not blaming them for just looking and judging a student based on her academic performances, they are lecturers, after all. But if I ever become a lecturer/educator (I like this word. An educator), I pray that I would look beyond a student's academic performances. I believe that everyone is special in their own ways. I would like to inspire my students instead of pushing them hard. Besides, Allah is the one who gave the rezeki. It does not necessarily mean that a person with the lowest ranking of the batch would become the least successful amongst his/her friends. Allah is fair, some people might be good in this and a mediocre at that. Again, the Rezeki comes from Allah. For the moment, I would just like to seize the day, go with the flow and most importantly, be HAPPY (and try not to become too lazy :P).

I like the way I look now. I'm no beauty queen, pageant or having the features of those beautiful but mostly plastic Korean celebrities. But I am blessed with what I have, with how I look physically. I am unique, there is no one in this world who looks exactly the way I look, because my features are the reminiscent of my parents, that I am theirs, I am a part of them, they are important parts of me. There are some people who are being taken seriously, or that being instantly liked on the first moment just because they are good looking. And then, there are people like me, who had to prove something and make some efforts to be noticed by other people, to let our capabilities and abilities let known, so that we would be taken seriously by others too. This in a way, holds various advantages, for we will continue to polish our skills and develop new ones. Besides, as I grow older, I have learned to accept my flaws, for they make up 'ME'. Looks might be important on the first glimpse, but in actuality, they are merely secondary attributes. Looks do not last as you age, but the qualities inside you, the skills that you have developed over the years out of insecurities, will ultimately secure your future, inshaa Allah. 

I want to be known as an ordinary person with no specific gifts whatsoever who excel in life by giving her best, doing the best that she could with every determination that she could muster. 

“I would like to be remembered as someone who did the best she could with the talent she had.”

― J.K. Rowling

There are bounds to be some disagreements between people. It is inevitable. We could only change one thing: which is how we deal with those disagreements. Besides, it would be no fun if everyone keep agreeing with you. You will become all big-headed, and look highly towards yourself, which is also called 'riak'. In a way, Allah had sent people to disagree with you so that you could look back and ponder about your ideas and later on realized that there are some truths in the disagreements. Every person had been sent to you for a purpose. 

Al Hujurat verse 13:  

" O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted" 

 May Allah grant us all guidance and patience, ameen. On a last note,

'An ordinary person with extraordinary achievements had given extraordinary efforts'

End of post. 

Day 2: Your Dream Profession(s)

I purposely added the 's' to 'profession'. It is simply because there are many things that I would like to do, and right now is the perfect time to list out all of them!

Okay, I have 30 minutes to do this! Starto!

1. Bookshop owner+writer

This sounds so perfect. My dream would be to open a bookshop. Not any bookshop which sells stationeries, have photocopy services, etc like you could see in most bookshops in Malaysia, but rather, a shop which sells only books- hence the name BOOKshop. :)

It need not to be massive or spacious like Kinokuniya or MPH Bookstores. One shop lot would suffice. The concept would be relaxing, laid-back, 'keep calm and start choosing a book' kind of thing. Whenever people come to my shop, I would be like Ollivander from Harry Potter and I'd say "It's not you who had chosen the book. It is the book who had chosen you". Okay stop it. 

And at the same time, I would write, write and write. Where else would be the most conducive place to write  other than in a bookshop? So yes, I would write and read and sell books. My whole life would be revolved around books. This sounds like a perfect profession. 

2. A travel writer

(How could I talk about traveling when I haven't even posted a single proper post about my trip to Taiwan?) The name says it all. Travelling and writing. I wish to step my foot in every country in the world before I die and write about my experiences there. Ameen. 

3. Head editor/Editor-in-chief for a magazine.

Yours truly had just been chosen to hold the most coveted (at least for me) post in any magazine. The HEAD EDITOR! In this case, it is only for the IIUM Pharmacy Students' Association (iPha) annually published magazine, nevertheless, I was very excited. I know that I have a HUGE responsibility trusted upon me, but I have this passion towards writing and anything to do with words (LOL) so it's okay! To tell the truth, I have been wanting to hold this post since I was in my 1st year (I was the 2nd Asst.Editor, 1st Asst.Editor in my 2nd year) so, Alhamdulillah, my dream had come true! The previous head editor had set up a really high standard for the magazine. Like Amiirah said, 'he had raised the bar really high' but never mind, I'll do my best, with Allah's help, inshaa Allah. 

And so, while writing out about my plans for the magazine, I couldn't help but to wonder, is this how it's like to work for a real magazine? Haha. 

4. Journalist/Anthropologist.

It is quite the same as the previous dream profession. I wish to write for a magazine rather than a newspaper (magazine is often published monthly, less stress as compared to the newspaper, I supposed). I wanted to write about life. The definition of life, how people perceived their lives, how they find meanings in their lives, how people realized about their purposes in this life. I know that at the end of the day, it would be directed back towards God. 

Stories like this. 

I'm aware that the Time magazine is published weekly, thank you. :) 

5. Medical Journalist.

I'm not sure whether I would pursue my studies to a higher level. But  if I decided not to take those major subjects like 'Pharmacology', 'Cancer and Chemotherapy' and stuffs, I would like to get enrolled in a journalism course. I don't want to be an ordinary journalist, I would like to become a medical journalist. The knowledge that I had gained during my undergraduate years would pave an easier path for me to become a medical journalist. I just need to learn how to write properly. T__T. My aim would be to create this sturdy bridge between the world of health and medicine with the general public. This might contradict with the previous point (number 4) but what if you combined life and medicine together? They are always correlated, aren't they? Medicines and knowledge about health are usually employed to prolong a person's life, isn't it? Everyone is going to die anyway. But before they died, have they found the meanings in their lives? This question is something that needs to be pondered upon not just by patients suffering from terminal illnesses, but also by people like you and me. 

6. Pharmacy Owner

I have this plan of opening a Pharmacy and establishing a pharmacy chain stores someday. Other than roaming around a bookstore, I love to explore a Pharmacy as well (typical of a Pharmacy student). I love being in a Pharmacy (I dislike being in a hospital, though). The types of Pharmacies that I have in mind are like these:

a) Kiehl's. Do you know that the founder of Kiehl's was a pharmacist? This famous cosmetics chain is founded as a single pharmacy in New York. (of course it takes hundred of years for them to become established as they do now, still, it is inspiring!). 

b) Boots Pharmacy. It's kind of like Malaysia's Guardian Pharmacy. 

7. An academician/a researcher for a university

If I were to pursue my Masters and Ph.D, I would be sure to take something that I have interests in. I don't want to suffer learning stuffs that I don't really like. >__<. So far, I like Herbal Medicine, Cosmeceuticals and anti-cancer and chemotherapy (I guess). I love Medicinal Chemistry and Drug Designing too but they are too complicated. Pharmacology requires you to deal with mice and rats (and I hate those rodents!). Well, let's see, shall we? 

8. Researcher for a Cosmeceutical Company.

For Loreal, Vichy, or I don't know, any kind of Cosmetics Company that requires R&D, I guess?

9. Drug Researcher 

I need to have the knowledge of Medicinal Chemistry and Pharmacology, of which both are difficult subjects. 

10. A full-time writer

Being a writer full-time in Malaysia is highly unlikely though. Plus, I would want to do other things as well. 

So, that's all from me! Yeah, I had great fun listing out my dream professions. But whatever it is that I decided to do later on, please let it be that I bring benefits to people around me and thus, doing my part of changing the world to a better place. Inshaa Allah. Most importantly, I would like to do it for Allah's sake. :)

Day 3: Who are you closest to? 

I already have an answer for this question. Haha. 

Thanks for reading and may you have a blissful and blessed day ahead! :) 

Salam'alaik....

Day 1: Write 10 facts about yourself

It's now or never!

Let's get to the point, shall we?

To be truthful, I've been thinking really hard on what to write for this particular topic. Suddenly, an idea popped into my mind. 'Why don't you write about your shopping habits? 10 facts about your (so-called)shopping habits?" So here it is! 

1. I first bought a shoes by myself(using my own money) when I was 22! xD Haha. It was a red, retro-look Oxford shoes. 50% discounts! I love it so <3 nbsp="" p="">

                                               Picture googled (but exactly the same one!) :D

2. As I don't really fancy shopping for clothes and stuffs , 90% of my clothes and shoes are bought by my parents. Alhamdulillah, jimat duit. xD

3. I first bought my own clothes at the age of 19. It was a T-shirt muslimah. LOL Sarah. 

4. Only in January 2013 had I first started buying things online. Being a bookworm, the first thing that I bought online is a book, of course! :D John Green's 'The Fault in Our Stars'. 

5. I spent money more on books than on clothes (see point number two). 

6. The first electronic item that I bought is a Sony MP3. At the age of 21. 

(The purple one)

7. When I was in my 2nd year, I used my JPA scholarship to buy a bicycle. Sadly, it is left abandoned for a long time now. I regret it. :( *sobs*

8. The most expensive thing I have ever spent is on flight tickets and registration fees for APPS Taiwan 2012. But it was worth it. :)

I've been to Taipei 101 yaay! 

9.  My scholarship allowances had just been banked in. I feel happy looking at the figures in my bank account, haha. xD. I decided not to spend my money to buy unnecessary things. I once thought of buying a new camera but my mom asked me "Do you really need it?" Urm, no. So I decided to listen to my mom and forego the camera. I have a lot of 'WANTS', of course, but for now, my 'NEEDS' are fulfilled, alhamdulillah. :)

Bye-bye Canon Powershot G12. :(

10. Whenever I go to Carrefour, East Coast Mall Kuantan, I'd buy this:

The cheap one with simple packaging. Usually costs below RM10 . :D 

Disclaimer: Images are googled! 

Day 2: Your Dream Profession.

 I KNOW that I'm gonna have lots of fun writing about this topic! :D 

With that, thank you for reading, may peace be upon us all! 

Jemput datang!

TOMORROW.

I jaga booth. T___T

Kalau nampak ada orang handle crossword puzzle tu, that's me. xD

Challenge Accepted!~

Salaam'alaik and a very good day to all.

My friend, Lisa had been doing it for the past 2 weeks (?) and I guess, the only way I could keep this blog  updated is by undertaking this so-called challenge too! xD 

Well actually, I have nothing better to do. And lately, I don't feel like writing and revealing every single insignificant thing to the public anymore (have I ever done such thing before? >_< )

Okayyy...So,what is this challenge all about, huh? 

For 30 days; though I must say that in my case, it is not necessarily to be a continuous 30 days, I must write based on 30 different topics, ranging from random facts about myself , how I got my first kiss (please don't hold any inappropriate thoughts about me, I shall explain about it later :P), my hobbies, favourite memory, up to the biggest fear I have in this life. 

To tell the truth, I have lost the will to blog. I didn't realize when does this start happening. It probably started early this year, where I did not post any blog entry for January 2013.T__T

Back to this challenge. When am I going to start doing it? Today? Tomorrow? 

Oh, I need to prepare the crossword puzzles for the Diabetes and Healthy Living Campaign this Sunday. Maybe I'm going to blog about it. See first (I still haven't blogged about Taiwan!) 

Maybe I'm going to start doing this challenge by tomorrow. 

Sarah is a procrastinator. =__=

Till then... xD

Knowledge-oriented

I'm already in my second semester of THIRD YEAR of studying (yes, gonna be a final year student soon, inshaa Allah) and  the thing is, I have become increasingly clueless and confused as to what am I actually doing here.

I often asked myself 

"What is the purpose of you being here, Sarah? To study about drugs and all those chemical structures and complex mechanism of actions? Why have you been fated to read Pharmacy?" 

What am I doing here? I don't have that much interest to what I've been learning and currently learning. I feel so constricted, I feel trapped, I feel as though someone had thrown me into this really deep hole and I really yearned to climb up of this hole and to be in the bright, beautiful, colourful world instead of this mundane, gloomy place. 

As you know (or didn't know), I keep asking another question to myself "Why am I being born a girl?" and I'm still seeking for the answer.

Eh, I'm not being deviant, I'm just asking questions and seeking for answers. Is that wrong? 

Even though I still haven't found the answers to both questions, I know one thing for sure, and I put my faith towards this particular verse from al-Quran.

Adh-Dukhaan verse 38

And so I believe, that there must be a VALID and SOLID reason on why I was born into this world, why Allah had made me a woman, and why it had been fated for me to be in this course. Why Pharmacy? Why not Law? Economics? Dentistry? Medicine? or even in those art-based courses that I would really love to be in like 'Bachelor of English and Literature', 'Anthropology', 'Journalism', 'Creative Writing', 'Filmmaking', etc?

Maybe there is something about/in Pharmacy that would bring benefits to me, or to everyone around me. Of course, you learned a lot from this course, and you learned a lot from other courses as well. But it's Pharmacy. Allah had decreed that Pharmacy is the best course for me. Maybe because it will bring out the best in me. Who knows? Allah works in mysterious ways that the human beings could never figure. That's the surprise, you know! :D One thing for sure, whatever happened is the best thing that ever happened to us. 

As for now, while incessantly figuring out about the purpose of my existence into this world, I have been praying to Allah

 "Please let me love what I learn, please let me become so passionate in seeking beneficial knowledge (i.e Pharmacy). Please let me be sincere in seeking knowledge. Please let me be knowledge-oriented. Please let me be interested in what I am learning. Please, let my aim of seeking knowledge solely be for the purpose of seeking your pleasure" (bad English, baaaddd English! Doesn't matter. At least Allah understands my prayer).

Well, seeking knowledge is reaaaallllyyyy hard. *sobs*. It's harder if you hold no interest towards the knowledge that you've been 'forced' to seek. You are forced to read, to memorize, to regurgitate everything during quizzes and examinations, but there's no feeling of satisfaction there. You just don't feel the 'sweetness' of seeking knowledge. I really want to have that feeling. 

For now, I would never stop praying to Allah for Him to turn me into someone knowledge-oriented, and I would also have to 'force' myself to love what I am learning. To be truthful, I forced myself to study for Allah's sake. It's like you know, your mother asked you to study, and you have to force yourself to study. But your mother could not turn you into someone knowledge-oriented. (she surely can, when she prays to Allah). Oh wait, I had never asked for my mom to pray for me to become 'knowledge-oriented'. I only asked her to pray that I could 'answer the exams and quizzes, LOL'. So next time, I must ask her to do that. Everyone knows that Allah holds preference towards a mother's prayer for her children than the prayers of the children themselves.. Anyway, I am immensely grateful for still having a mother who would pray for me. *sobs*. Thank you Allah. :')

So yes, please pray for me. I want to become knowledge-oriented! And so right now, I'm mustering all my courage, gathering all my strength to study for the sake of Allah. It may be difficult at first, but Allah had said.

Adh-Dhuha verse 4

It's not really the hereafter but hopefully this effort will be counted in the hereafter. 

Malay translation: "Dan sungguh, yang kemudian itu lebih baik bagimu daripada yang permulaan". 

roughly translated as "the end is better for you than the beginning"

Also,  my two favourite verses

Surah al-Insyirah verses 5-6 

Please pray for me. All the best everyone! :)

And please pray for #LahadDatu. :(